The Land of Stories: A Very Gleeful Threequel
by ChrisCalledMeSweetie
Summary: Darren has returned to the real world, while Chris is trapped in the Gleeful Land of Stories. Can Kurt, Blaine, Mother Goose, and Joey Richter help them find their way back to each other? This is one journey that's gonna be totally awesome…
1. Prologue

**The Land of Stories: A Very Gleeful Threequel**

 **Summary:** Darren has returned to the real world, while Chris is trapped in the _Gleeful Land of Stories_. Can Kurt, Blaine, Mother Goose, and Joey Richter help them find their way back to each other? This is one journey that's gonna be totally awesome…

 **Story Notes:** This is the final _(?)_ installment of my _Gleeful Land of Stories_ series. For maximum enjoyment and minimum confusion, you may want to begin by reading _The Land of Stories: Gleefully Ever After_ and _The Land of Stories: Gleeful Days Are Here Again_. This story will be based on a combination of Chris Colfer's brilliant books — _The Land of Stories: A Grimm Warning_ and _The Land of Stories: Beyond the Kingdoms —_ as well as Team StarKid's totally awesome plays — _A Very Potter Musical_ and _A Very Potter Sequel —_ starring Darren Criss _._

 **1\. Prologue**

 _In which grabby hands are the devil's playthings…_

Ryan Murphy — known as the Fairy Godfather in the Land of Stories, where he had chosen to remain — swished his wand through the air. Mother Goose stood next to him, waving her flask. A swirling vortex of rainbow light appeared before them.

"As soon as the third person passes through this portal, the gateway between the worlds will be permanently sealed," Ryan said.

Zach waved as he stepped into the vortex and disappeared. Darren went next, saying a quick round of goodbyes to all of his fairytale friends before following Zach. Chris hesitated for a moment, looking around at all of the familiar faces.

"I hate to see you go," Mother Goose slurred, taking a swig from her flask. "Just thought you ought to know."

She reached out and pinched the Fairy Godfather's ass. Startled, Ryan jumped reflexively — directly into the vortex. The moment he disappeared through the portal, it snapped shut with a **_POP_**.

 _"_ _Wait!"_ Chris cried, lunging forward.

But it was too late.

The gateway between the worlds had closed forever, leaving him trapped in the Land of Stories.

…

Back in the ordinary world, Darren was surprised to see Ryan come leaping through the portal behind him.

"What are you doing here? I thought you decided to stay in the fairytale world."

"That bitch goosed me!"

"Mother Goose?"

"I should have known it was a mistake writing April Rhodes as such a booze hound. Give that woman a couple of drinks and she can _no_ t keep her hands to herself!"

Darren chuckled. But his amusement was replaced by a slowly dawning horror as he realized that the portal had closed.

"Wait," he demanded. "Where's Chris?"

"He's stuck in the Land of Stories, and there's nothing I can do about it."

"What do you mean, there's nothing you can do?!" Darren asked, voice rising. "You're the fucking Fairy Godfather, aren't you? Work your magic!"

"Darren, calm down. I'm sorry, but I dropped my wand when Mother Goose grabbed my ass. Without it, I can't do magic. And even if I had my wand, the spell I cast is unbreakable. The gateway between the worlds is sealed forever. There's no way that I — or anyone else — could open it."

Seeing the devastated expression on Darren's face, Ryan repeated, "I'm sorry."

Zach stepped forward and wrapped an arm around Darren's shoulders. "Here," he said, handing him a small, oval mirror. "Remember how Ryan gave this to me so that I could communicate with him? Well, the other one is still in the Land of Stories, right? So you should be able to use it to contact Chris."

Darren looked to Ryan for confirmation.

"Yeah, I left my mirror behind. You can use that one to talk to whoever has mine. Just tap it, and if someone taps the other one, you'll be able to see and hear each other."

Darren quickly tapped his finger against the mirror. The surface of the glass began to shimmer. He peered into it expectantly, but Chris didn't appear. Instead, the shimmering gradually faded, leaving him staring at his own distraught face.

Darren touched the mirror again, with the same results. "Why isn't it working?"

"It is," Ryan said. "When you tap this mirror, it causes both mirrors to shimmer. But in order for the connection to be activated, someone has to tap the other mirror in response. I guess no one's found my mirror yet. But don't worry, I'm sure someone will spot it soon."

Darren resumed tapping the mirror, groaning in frustration each time the shimmering faded. He was determined not to give up until he reached Chris.

…

Chris stood utterly still, frozen in shock, feet rooted to the ground, where, moments before, the portal had been. His brain seemed to be unable to accept what had happened. He _couldn't_ be stuck here in the fairytale world. Could he?

Gradually, Chris became aware of the babble of voices around him. Questions, speculations, and accusations were flying. Someone was remonstrating with Mother Goose. Quinderella's baby daughter, Beth, began to cry.

Kurt and Blaine stepped forward and took Chris by the hands. They gently guided him away from the commotion, over to a secluded sofa. Chris collapsed down between them. He felt dizzy and strange, as if he wasn't quite in his body.

"Courage," Blaine said. "You're going to be alright."

Chris shook his head in disbelief. "How exactly am I going to be alright? I'm trapped in a place I don't belong, with no way of ever getting home."

"Of course you belong here," Kurt said. "The Fairy Godfather called you the co-creator. Who could belong here more than you?"

"No," Chris insisted. "I need to get back to my own world. I need to get back to Darren."

Kurt and Blaine exchanged sympathetic looks.

"I'm really sorry," Blaine said. "You know that if there was any way we could help you, we would. But you heard what the Fairy Godfather said. The gateway between our worlds is sealed forever."

"There has to be some way to reopen it. I simply refuse to believe that I'll never see Darren again."

"Oh!" Kurt cried, suddenly remembering. "The magic mirrors! The Fairy Godfather set his down before he opened the portal. I'll bet it's still here!"

Chris sprang up from the sofa and rushed back to the crowd of people still milling about in noisy confusion. He cast his gaze around frantically until it fell on the object he was seeking.

With trembling fingers, Chris snatched up the magic mirror. The glass began to shimmer in front of his eyes. Chris gave the surface a quick tap, and suddenly Darren's face appeared.

"Oh, thank god!" they said in unison.

 **End Notes:** I was feeling a little bit guilty about the way I ended _The Land of Stories: Gleeful Days Are Here Again_ (although those of you who've read _The Enchantress Returns_ shouldn't have been too surprised) so I decided to give you this chapter as little sneak peek into the future of the series. I plan on completing _The Land of Stories: A Very Gleeful Threequel_ in time to begin posting next summer, to coincide with the publication of TLOS5. If you want to find out what happens next, be sure to subscribe/follow/track this story. And, as always, kudos and comments make me smile. **:D**


	2. A New Reality

**2\. A New Reality**

 _In which you can't always get what you want…_

"Is that the Fairy Godfather's looking glass?" Mother Goose asked. "Tell him I'm sorry for pinching his ass."

"Oh, you've got the magic mirror," Quinderella said, looking over Chris's shoulder. "I have a question for my Fairy Godfather. Can I talk to him?"

"Hey, give that here," Santana demanded. "Brittany and I need the Fairy Godfather to turn us back into Cheermaids."

"Not until after he's turned Froggy back into Prince Finn!" Rachel insisted.

Chris was surrounded by a jostling throng of people, all wanting the magic mirror.

"Order!" Wes commanded, banging his gavel. "I will have order in the Warbler Palace!"

"Everyone take a seat," David said firmly. "Let us all behave with the decorum befitting our rank in society."

With a few grumbles, the rulers of the various kingdoms settled down. Nick, Jeff, and Thad joined their fellow members of the Warbler Council. Queen Quinderella and King Puck Charming, with Princess Beth on his lap, sat on a sofa next to Queen Snow White (aka Mercedes) and King Sam. Queen Sleeping Tina and King Mike joined Queen Red Riding Hood (whom no one dared to call Rachel) and Froggy (aka Prince Finn) on another sofa. Queen Emmapunzel and Will sat beside Mother Goose and the Elf Empress, Holly Holiday — the latter two giggling over a shared flask, thick as thieves. Santana and Brittany plopped down next to Queen Trollbella and Stoner Brett. Kurt and Blaine patted the spot beside them on the last sofa, and Chris finally sat down.

"Now that we're all properly assembled," David said, "let's hear what the Fairy Godfather has to say. Chris, can you contact him for us?"

Chris looked at Darren apologetically. "Could you put Ryan on for a minute?"

"Okay."

Ryan's scowling face appeared in the mirror. "Mother Goose is lucky there's no way for me to reach her right now."

"She said to tell you she's sorry."

"Yeah, well, fat lot of good that does."

"Please tell me you know how to reopen the portal."

Ryan's face softened. "I'm sorry, Chris. I know this isn't what either of us wanted. But the gateway between the worlds is sealed forever. We're just going to have to learn to live with it."

Chris sighed. "I'm not willing to accept that. But, until we can figure something out, at least we have these mirrors to stay in touch. And there are a _lot_ of people here who want to talk to you."

"Alright," Ryan said. "Put me on speakerphone."

Chris laughed. " _What?_ "

"Tap your thumbs on the center of the mirror, and then swipe them out to the sides. That will amplify my voice."

Chris did as instructed. "Okay, you're on."

The Fairy Godfather's voice rang out loud and clear. "Everybody listen closely, and don't interrupt, because I'm not going to repeat myself. What's done is done, and cannot be undone. I'm going to spend the rest of my life here, in the other world, and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. I cannot be your Fairy Godfather any longer. From now on, you'll have to find your own way to make your wishes come true. This is the last time I'll be speaking with you. Take care of each other. And may you live gleefully ever after."

…

In the pandemonium that broke out after the Fairy Godfather's pronouncement, Chris slipped quietly away. Now he sat alone, in a peaceful, out-of-the-way place, clutching the magic mirror. All he wanted to do was talk to Darren.

His boyfriend's face reappeared in the mirror. "Ryan says to swipe your thumbs inward," Darren said in a magnified whisper, "to take me off speaker."

Chris quickly complied. "Done. It's just you and me, now."

"I miss you already. Is that silly?"

"No. I miss you, too. This really sucks."

"Really, _really_ sucks," Darren echoed. "Are you okay?"

"Um… I guess? I mean, I'm sure I will be. But right now, I just can't wrap my head around this."

"Me neither. This puts a whole new spin on the idea of a long distance relationship."

"The universe is against us," Chris said bitterly. "In the time since we've been together, what have we had? A couple of interrupted kisses before I had to leave on the last leg of my book tour. Then one more kiss when I got back — interrupted, again. Then all that time spent under the Enchantress's curse, when we couldn't even let our lips touch. And finally, when we broke the curse by sharing that mind-blowing kiss — which, once again, was interrupted — I thought we'd really get to be together at last. But _no_. Now we're trapped in separate dimensions. I'm telling you, the universe is against us."

"Well, can you blame it?" Darren asked, trying to lighten the mood. "If we ever did have sex, it would be so earth-shattering that both of these worlds would cease to exist. I think this is just the multiverse trying to do a little preemptive damage control."

Chris laughed. "You think you're that good, huh?"

"Nope — I think _you're_ that good."

Chris felt himself blush. "I hate that you're not here."

"Me too. But if there's one thing that the past few weeks have taught me, it's that anything is possible. So no matter what Ryan or anyone else says, I know we're going to find a way to get back together."

…

By the time Chris returned to the main hall of the Warbler Palace, the crowd had dispersed. Only the members of the Warbler Council remained, along with Mother Goose and the magic harp, Unique.

"Where is everyone?" Chris asked.

"They all decided it was time to go," Mother Goose replied, taking a swig from her flask. "They have kingdoms to run, as I'm sure you know."

"But what about Kurt and Blaine?"

"They remembered they're fugitives from the law, and so before any of these other folks saw, they decided to resume their life on the run, since being thrown in a dungeon would spoil their fun."

"But surely they'd be granted a pardon, after everything they did to help defeat the Enchantress."

"Whether they would or they wouldn't I couldn't say, 'cause before we could find out they'd scampered away."

"Great," Chris muttered. "Now what am I supposed to do?"

"You could come and stay with me in Blaine's old home," Unique offered.

"Thanks. I really appreciate it."

"No problem. I'll be glad to have the company, and I could certainly use someone to sing duets with."

"You'd better catch a ride with Froggy and Red," Mother Goose suggested. "Their carriage is waiting out by that shed."

Chris carried the magic harp outside. He spotted Froggy, just helping Rachel into their carriage.

"Hey, Froggy, do you mind if Unique and I ride with you? We're going to Blaine's old place, and I know it's not far from Queen Red's castle."

"Sure. There's plenty of room, so long as you don't mind Roary lap-hopping."

Chris placed the magic harp in the carriage, and then climbed in after her. As soon as he sat down, Roary leapt into his lap. The wolf cub licked him excitedly, his whole body wriggling with delight.

Chris giggled. "Okay, okay. I'm glad to see you, too, boy. But settle down a little before you sprain yourself."

The carriage had just started rolling when Chris had a sudden thought.

"Wait!" he called out. "The Wand of Wonderment! Maybe that can help us reopen the portal. We have to go back for it."

"The wand is gone," Unique told him. "It vanished at the exact same instant that the Enchantress did. I guess you were too busy making out with Darren to notice…"

Chris's brief moment of hope turned to crushing disappointment. He let out a heavy sigh.

"Hey, don't be so blue," Unique said. "Living with me isn't going to be _that_ bad."

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to seem ungrateful. I'm sure living with you will be terrific. I guess I'm just feeling homesick."

"I understand. But you've gotta learn how to sit back and enjoy the ride," Unique said. "And I think I know just the song to make you feel better."

The magic harp played the opening chords of a familiar tune and began to sing, with Froggy coming in on the echoes:

 _Where they at_

 _Where they at_

 _Where they at_

 _Where they at_

 _Where they at_

 _Where they at_

 _Where they at_

 _Come on now_

Rachel joined the other two in singing:

 _If you wanna go and take a ride wit me_

 _We three-wheelin' in the fo' with the gold D's_

 _Oh why do I live this way?_

 _Hey — must be the money!_

Froggy took the next part, with Unique providing the echoes:

 _In the club on the late night, feelin' right_

 _Lookin' tryin' to spot somethin' real nice_

 _Lookin' for a little shorty I noticed_ (with a wink at Rachel)

 _So that I can take home (I can take home)_

 _She can be 18 (18) wit an attitude_

 _Or 19 kinda snotty actin' real rude_

 _But as long as you a thicky thicky thick_

 _Girl, you know that it's on (Know that it's on)_

Rachel gave a flirty smile, motioning to Chris, as she sang:

 _I like the way you brush your hair_

 _And I like those stylish clothes you wear_

 _I like the way the light hit the ice and glare_

 _And I can see you moving way over there_

Caught up in the utter ridiculousness of it all, Chris couldn't resist jumping in with the others to repeat the chorus:

 _If you wanna go and take a ride wit me_

 _We three-wheelin in the fo' with the gold D's_

 _Oh why do I live this way?_

 _Hey — must be the money!_

As they all collapsed back against the walls of the carriage, laughing, Chris had to admit that he did, indeed, feel better.

 **End Notes:** This story is now completely written. I'll be updating every Wednesday and Saturday. **Please review! :D**


	3. Life in Exile

**3\. Life in Exile**

 _In which Chris tries to come to terms with his new home…_

Chris gradually settled into the routine of his new life.

Every day, he awoke at dawn to the sound of the magic harp singing, _"Oh, the sun is up, and so am I…"_ at the top of her lungs. The first morning, he sat bolt upright in bed, disoriented and alarmed, until he remembered where he was. The second morning, he again awoke with a start, wishing he'd never written that song in _The Wishing Spell_. By the third morning, though, Chris had begun to grow accustomed to the sound of Unique's voice as his wake-up call, and was actually starting to like it.

After breakfast each day, Chris sat down with a quill and parchment and worked on his sequel. He figured there was no reason why being stuck in the fairytale world should mean he couldn't finish his book. In fact, the adventures that he and Darren had shared with Kurt, Blaine, Froggy, and Red gave him plenty of inspiration for his writing.

Some time in the late morning, the magic mirror that Chris had propped up next to the desk where he was working would begin to shimmer, signaling that Darren was finally awake. Chris would immediately lay down his quill and tap the mirror, eager to see his boyfriend's face. He and Darren would chat for an hour or two, never at a loss for things to say.

When Chris started getting hungry for lunch, he would head out into the town. News of the role he and Darren had played in defeating the Enchantress had spread quickly, and he had become somewhat of a local celebrity. The townspeople were practically tripping over each other in their attempts to show their gratitude by giving him anything they thought he might want.

Chris received meat from the butcher, bread from the baker, and a lovely set of silver candlesticks from the candlestick maker. Peter Peter gave him pumpkin soup for lunch and pumpkin muffins to take home for the following day's breakfast. Little Miss Muffet was eager to share her curds and whey, while Georgie Porgie provided him with all the pudding and pie he could eat. Once Chris's appetite was satisfied, Mary Mary always gave him fresh flowers from her garden to take home for Unique.

In the afternoons, Chris would spend a little more time on his writing. Then he'd have to sing a few duets with the magic harp before she'd agree to play some workout music for him. She'd sing "Physical" while Chris did his crunches, "Push It" while he did his push ups, and then, for aerobic exercise, she'd insist that he do the "Single Ladies" dance for her.

After his workout, Chris would draw himself a hot bath. He'd bring the magic mirror with him, carefully holding it out of the water as he allowed himself to sink back for a relaxing soak while he reconnected with his boyfriend. Darren would always begin by asking the same cheesy question: "What are you wearing?" And Chris would always give the same flirty answer: "Bubbles…"

Every evening, Chris walked up to the castle for dinner, where he was greeted with varying levels of effusive enthusiasm by Roary, Froggy, and Red. After an elaborate meal, prepared by the castle chefs, the wolf cub would fall asleep in Chris's lap while Rachel serenaded them. Then they'd play cards or charades until Chris was ready to head back to the house he was currently (and, he hoped, temporarily) calling home.

Curled up in bed at night, Chris would once again tap his magic mirror. The early morning wake-up calls, courtesy of Unique, meant that Chris was tired long before Darren was, so their bedtime chats tended to be a little one-sided. As soon as Darren noticed his boyfriend's eyes drifting closed, he would pick up his guitar and sing him to sleep.

This life wasn't the one that Chris would have chosen for himself, but he was definitely trying to make the best of it. Darren had assured him that everything was under control in the other world. The Fairy Godfather's final portal had deposited Darren back home on the same day they left, so he didn't have to account for his whereabouts during the time he was in the Land of Stories. Darren had told everyone that Chris had decided to take an extended vacation on the East Coast after his book tour, and Ashley (bless her heart) was still taking care of his cat. With those worries off of his mind, and the ability to communicate with Darren whenever he wanted to, Chris found that he was surprisingly content with his current situation.

…

The first bump in the road came about a week after Chris moved in with Unique. That evening, when he arrived at the castle for dinner, he was met by a very irate Queen Red.

"I cannot believe that troublemaker!" she huffed, by way of greeting.

"Who?" Chris asked, confused.

"Little Sugar Peep! She had the nerve to come here today and tell me that I'm not doing a good job as queen, and so she's calling for a new election."

"Can she do that?"

"Apparently she can. She's been going around telling everyone that I sold out our kingdom to the Enchantress by kissing Froggy and falling asleep. And when I pointed out that she was being rude, do you know what she said? She claimed that she couldn't help it, because she has ass-burgers. What kind of an excuse is that? I mean, who wants to eat patties of donkey meat? Even if I wasn't a vegan, I'd stay away from those!"

Chris couldn't quite suppress a snort.

"This is no laughing matter!" Rachel cried indignantly. "That tone-deaf wanna-be is trying to take away my throne. She can't even keep track of her own sheep. And somehow she thinks she's qualified to run a kingdom?!"

"Don't worry," Froggy said soothingly. "I'm sure no one will vote for her."

…

The next day, when Chris wandered into town at lunch time, he found the election already in progress. Apparently, no one here had ever heard of the concept of a secret ballot. Instead, an imposing man stood handing out slips of parchment. He then watched as citizens wrote their own names on their ballots, and placed them in one of two large, wooden chests, clearly labeled _Little Red Riding Hood_ and _Little Sugar Peep_. Chris noticed that the man scowled menacingly at anyone who made a move toward the one for Red.

"Who is that man?" Chris asked Little Miss Muffet.

"Oh, that's Big Daddy Peep. He owns most of the farmland in this kingdom."

Chris had a sinking feeling that he knew how the election was going to turn out.

…

Chris, Rachel, and Froggy were just about to sit down to dinner that evening when Little Sugar Peep burst into the room unannounced.

 _"_ _Loser!"_ she crowed, holding one hand up in an L at her forehead and pointing the other at Rachel. "The ballots have been counted, and guess how many votes you got? _Zero!_ You and that freak-show boyfriend of yours have until midnight to be out of this castle. There's a new queen in town — _me!_ "

Rachel seemed to puff herself up to twice her natural size as she let Sugar have it the best way she knew how:

 _Yeah, you may think that I'm a zero_

 _But, hey, everyone you wanna be_

 _Probably started off like me_

 _You may say that I'm a freak show_

 _("I don't care"_ Froggy mumbled _)_

 _But, hey, give me just a little time_

 _I bet you're gonna change your mind_

 _All of the dirt you've been throwin' my way_

 _It ain't so hard to take, that's right_

 _'Cause I know one day you'll be screamin' my name_

 _And I'll just look away, that's right_

 _Just go ahead and hate on me and run your mouth_

 _So everyone can hear_

 _Hit me with the worst you got and knock me down_

 _Baby, I don't care_

 _Keep it up, and soon enough you'll figure out_

 _You wanna be, you wanna be_

 _A loser like me_

 _A loser like me_

 _Hey, you over there_

 _Keep the L up, up in the air_

 _Hey, you over there_

 _Keep the L up, 'cause I don't care_

 _You can throw your sticks and you can throw your stones_

 _Like a rocket, just watch me go_

 _Yeah, L-O-S-E-R_

 _I can only be who I are_

 _Just g_ _o ahead and hate on me and run your mouth_

 _So everyone can hear_

 _Hit me with the worst you got and knock me down_

 _Baby, I don't care_

 _Keep it up, and soon enough you'll figure out_

 _You wanna be, you wanna be_

 _A loser like me_

 _A loser like me_

 _A loser like me_

 _A loser like me_

 _A loser like me!_

With a loud harrumph, Sugar flounced out of the room.

The moment she was gone, Rachel deflated completely. "Oh, what am I going to do?" she wailed.

"You can come and stay with me," Chris offered. "I'm sure Unique won't mind."

"But to be cast out of my castle? To be forced to live in exile? You can't possibly imagine how that feels."

Chris gave her a hard look. "Really?"

"Oh. Right. Sorry."

Froggy stepped in to smooth things over. "Thanks, Chris. We'd love to stay with you."

"No problem," Chris said, hoping his words would prove to be true.

 **End Notes:** What do you think will happen when Rachel and Froggy move in with Chris? And meanwhile, what have Kurt and Blaine been up to? You'll find out the answers to these and other pressing questions in the next chapter, but until then, I'd love to hear your theories. Please review. **:)**


	4. For Better or For Worse

**4\. For Better or For Worse**

 _In which changes are afoot…_

Chris was awakened shortly after midnight by an unholy commotion. Looking out the window, he saw more than a dozen carriages parked in front of the house, disgorging a steady stream of servants bearing trunks, chests, boxes, and a truly staggering number of framed portraits. The subject of those paintings was gesturing imperiously as she ordered everyone around.

Chris sighed, put the pillow over his head, and willed himself back to sleep.

Unique's familiar song — _Oh, the sun is up, and so am I_ — sounded a bit muffled the following morning. Chris dragged himself out of bed and staggered downstairs to find that all of the walls were lined from floor to ceiling with portraits of Rachel, while the entire floor was carpeted with her worldly possessions. The magic harp was barely visible where she stood half-buried in one corner.

"I know I said 'the more the merrier,' but this is ridiculous!" Unique complained. "Froggy and Red are welcome to stay, but this stuff has got to go."

"I'm sorry," Chris said. "I'll talk to them when they get up."

…

Chris's conversation with Froggy and Rachel went about as well as he'd expected — which was to say, not well at all. Rachel seemed to believe that she was the most put-upon creature who'd ever lived. Anyone else's troubles or inconvenience were trifling matters in the face of her prodigious suffering. Even Chris's experience of being trapped in another dimension paled in comparison with the horror of being stripped of her throne and evicted from her castle.

After everyone had been forced to acknowledge that Rachel was, if no longer the queen of the kingdom, then at least the queen of all victims, she finally agreed to allow Chris and Froggy to convert Blaine's old workshop into a storage shed for her things. The portrait wallpaper, however, was apparently non-negotiable. Chris figured that once he was able to see the floor again, he could simply avoid looking at the walls, so he counted it as a win.

…

That evening, worn out from a long day of manual labor, Chris was relieved to be able to collapse into bed and catch up with Darren.

After venting about Rachel for twenty minutes, he concluded by saying, "I've never come so close to slapping someone in my life. She's lucky she looks so much like Lea — otherwise, I might have done it."

"Well, you did write Queen Red to be pretty self-absorbed."

"I know, I know. I can't tell you how much I'm regretting that!"

"I'm sure tomorrow's gonna be a better day."

"Will it, though? Or is this what my life is going to be like from now on — trapped in another dimension, living with a transgendered magic harp, an overgrown frog-man, and an insufferable spoiled brat? I'm stuck here. And you're there. And that just sucks."

"Yeah, we're physically apart right now, and yeah, that does suck. But we're still connected, and I'm madly in love with you, so that feels pretty fucking amazing."

Chris felt all of the tension he'd been carrying melt into a soft warmth at Darren's words. "I love you too, Dare. I know that you're usually the one who says it first, but I hope you realize how much I really, really do love you."

"I know. But it feels good to hear it, anyway."

"So, it's been a long day, and I think I'm done with my pity party. Will you sing me to sleep?"

"Of course."

Darren grabbed his guitar and began to pick out the opening notes to an old James Taylor lullaby.

 _Well the sun is surely sinking down_

 _But the moon is slowly rising_

 _So this old world must still be spinning 'round_

 _And I still love you_

 _So close your eyes_

 _You can close your eyes, it's all right_

 _I don't know no love songs_

 _And I can't sing the blues anymore_

 _But I can sing this song…_

…

The next morning, as Chris was sitting down to breakfast with his new housemates — complete with champagne and fresh squeezed orange juice, courtesy of Rachel, who was apparently trying to make amends for her behavior the previous day — an unexpected visitor **_popped_** into the room.

"Mother Goose!" Chris gasped. "You startled me. Can I offer you a pumpkin muffin? Or would you like a mimosa?"

"Oh, a pumpkin muffin would be great. But I'm not drinking today. I've got to stay sharp."

Chris was surprised to hear this, but it seemed to be true, since her words were neither slurred nor rhyming, and she was keeping her hands to herself.

"I'm going to be officiating at a wedding this afternoon, and I've come here to invite you all to attend."

"Who's getting married?"

"Kurt and Blaine."

Chris was delighted to hear this. "Oh, I'd love to come. Where are they holding the ceremony?"

Mother Goose looked around, as if there might be spies listening in. "It's very hush-hush, since they are still wanted fugitives, you know."

"Don't worry. We won't tell anyone."

"Well, there's a lovely little clearing in the Dwarf Forest, just south of the _I'll Show You Mine_. If you leave here by carriage right after lunch, you should get there in plenty of time."

"We'll be there!"

…

The clearing was, indeed, lovely. Golden sunlight streaming through the gap in the trees made a welcome contrast to the gloom of the surrounding forest. Rows of logs had been set up like bench seats, facing a large boulder into which had been carved a heart with the initials K & B inside.

Chris, Froggy, and Rachel sat in the front row, with Unique standing beside them. The strings of the magic harp were vibrating with excitement.

"Ooh, I can't believe that Blaine is all grown up and getting married! It seems like only yesterday that he was just a brave young boy, rescuing me from the giant's castle."

Before anyone could respond, Mother Goose **_popped_** into view in front of the boulder. "Welcome, ladies, gentlemen, and whatever the rest of you are. I understand that many of you are on a tight schedule — as are our grooms — due to being on the run from the law. So without further ado, let the wedding begin."

The magic harp began to play an impromptu instrumental version of "At Last" as the wedding party stepped out from behind the trees.

Mother Goose announced, "I am honored to present: Kurt, accompanied by his best mare, Rum Chocolate Soufflé; Blaine, accompanied by his best stallion, Adrenaline; and their flower foal, Cupcake."

Chris let out an embarrassingly high-pitched squeal at the sight of the new foal. "Oooh — Baby Cupcake!"

The adorable chestnut filly led the procession. She held a basket of rose petals in her mouth and was breathing very heavily, blowing the petals out of the basket and scattering them across the ground with every exhalation. Behind her, Kurt and Blaine strode hand in hand down the aisle, followed by their horses.

When they reached the front, Mother Goose cleared her throat. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the joining of these two wanted fugitives. If there is anyone here who knows of a reason why these two should not be wed, I suggest that you forever hold your peace, or risk ending up in pieces."

There was a smattering of nervous laughter from the crowd, as everyone glanced at the sai swords hanging from Kurt's belt.

Mother Goose paused for a moment before continuing. "Good, good. Now that the threat of bloodshed is over, our grooms have written their own vows. Blaine, I believe you wanted to go first."

Blaine looked down to where his hand was still clasped tightly in Kurt's before raising his gaze to Kurt's eyes.

 _"_ _From the first time we met_

 _My soul knew something_

 _That my body and my mind didn't know yet_

 _It knew that our hands were meant to hold each other_

 _Fearlessly and forever_

 _Which is why_

 _It's never really felt like I've been getting to know you_

 _It's always felt like I was remembering you from something_

 _As if in every lifetime that you and I have ever lived_

 _We've chosen to come back_

 _And find each other_

 _And fall in love all over again_

 _Over and over, for all eternity_

 _And I just feel so lucky_

 _That I found you so soon in this lifetime_

 _Because all I want to do_

 _All I've ever wanted to do_

 _Is spend my life loving you_

 _So, Kurt Hummelocks_

 _My amazing friend_

 _My one true love_

 _Do you want to marry me?_

Kurt's lips trembled as he whispered, "I do."

Then, making a visible effort to pull himself together, Kurt continued in a stronger voice:

 _Blaine, I'm a man who's always lived in the shadows_

 _And everyone who's ever come into my life_

 _Has always tried to pull me out into the sun_

 _Or throw me into the darkest dungeon_

 _I honestly thought that I would never find real love_

 _And then you came along_

 _And even if someone had told me_

 _That it wasn't going to work out_

 _And that at the end of all of our struggling_

 _And all of our work_

 _That it would just end in heartache_

 _I would have suffered it all_

 _Just for the tiny chance to be standing up here_

 _Marrying you_

 _You don't ask me to come out of the shadows_

 _You help me kick the ass of anyone who's blocking the sun_

 _It's time for us to walk into the sunshine together_

 _Forever_

 _Is that something you want to do?_

Blaine's eyes welled up with tears as he answered, "I do."

As Kurt and Blaine exchanged their rings, their voices joined in a haunting duet:

 _Make of our hands, one hand_

 _Make of our hearts, one heart_

 _Make of our vows, one last vow_

 _Only death will part us now_

 _Make of our lives, one life_

 _Day after day, one life_

 _Now it begins, now we start_

 _One hand, one heart_

 _Even death won't part us now_

Mother Goose raised her flask. "By the power vested in me by the Gleefully Ever After Assembly, I now pronounce you outlawfully wedded husbands. Let the kissing begin!"

And it did.

 **End Notes:** I hope no one minds that I took a few liberties with Kurt's vows…

 **Please review. :)**


	5. The Wedding Reception

**5\. The Wedding Reception**

 _In which feelings are stirred up…_

Chris turned his gaze on Darren, who'd been observing the ceremony via the little magic mirror in his hand. "Are you crying?"

"I always tear up at weddings. And that was just so beautiful. Plus it's Kurt and Blaine…"

"I know. I never thought we'd see the day when they got married. You've gotta tell Ryan about this. Maybe he can find a way to work it into Glee when — "

Chris stopped himself in mid-sentence. If he couldn't find a way to return to his own world, there would _be_ no more Kurt on Glee. In fact, at this very moment, Ryan was probably trying to figure out a way to rework season 4 to write him out of the show.

Darren seemed to read his mind. "When you come back here — not _if_ , _when_ — we'll have to convince Ryan let Kurt and Blaine get married."

"Maybe he could flash-forward ten years, or something. Remember how Kurt said, at the beginning of last season, that he wanted to be married by thirty?"

"Yeah — married by thirty — _legally_. And remember how Blaine said he was looking forward to marriage equality in all 50 states? Wouldn't that be an amazing thing to show?"

"I'll bet Ryan would do it. I mean, we basically have proof now that they're meant to be together."

"And those vows were too good not to be shown in prime time."

…

Kurt and Blaine's wedding reception was held in the _I'll Show You Min_ e. Chris wasn't sure how the completely innocent Dwarf Mine he'd written about in _The Wishing Spell_ had morphed into a nudist colony, but he'd learned on his previous visit to just go with the flow, so he stripped off his clothes and left them by the entrance without complaint.

"Man," Darren breathed, "what I wouldn't give for a full length mirror right now. You're not even wearing _bubbles_ , are you?"

Chris gave him a flirty wink. "Nope," he answered, popping his lips on the final consonant.

"Oh, this is so unfair! Why does the _I'll Show You Min_ e have to be so dark? I can barely see you in the torchlight."

"Well, the folks here may not have discovered electricity yet, but they're light-years ahead of our world in terms of marriage equality."

"Good point. Maybe we shouldn't be worrying about how to get _you_ back _here_ — maybe we should focus on trying to work out a way for _me_ to get back _there_."

Chris's response was cut off by the sound of a silver spoon dinging against a crystal goblet. Mother Goose stood tapping her glass until she had the attention of everyone present.

"Unique has graciously offered to accompany Kurt and Blaine with her strings as they sing a duet for their first dance as a married couple."

Chris drew in an involuntary breath as the magic harp played the opening notes of a familiar song.

Blaine held his hands out to his husband as he began to sing:

 _Never knew I could feel like this_

 _Like I've never seen the sky before_

 _Want to vanish inside your kiss_

 _Seasons may change, winter to spring_

 _But I love you until the end of time_

 _Come what may_

 _Come what may_

 _I will love you until my dying day_

Kurt moved into Blaine's arms, and they began dancing and singing as one.

 _Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place_

 _Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace_

 _Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste_

 _It all revolves around you_

 _And there's no mountain too high_

 _No river too wide_

 _Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side_

 _Storm clouds may gather_

 _And stars may collide_

 _But I love you (I love you)_

 _Until the end of time (until the end of time)_

 _Come what may_

 _Come what may_

 _I will love you_

 _I will love you_

When the song ended, this time it was Darren who asked, "Chris, are you crying?"

"No. Shut up. It's just the smoke from all of these torches, making my eyes water."

"Hey, I'm not judging you. That was such a moving song. And didn't you say in an interview, like a year ago, that you wanted Kurt and Blaine to sing 'Come What May' together?"

"Yes! And I said that I'd be Nicole Kidman, of course."

"Of course. Kurt killed that part."

"Blaine sounded pretty damn good, too."

"And the fact that they're both naked added a little _je ne sais quoi_ to the performance…"

"You're incorrigible."

"Not true. If you were here right now, I'd let you 'corrige' me all you want."

"I don't even know what that means, but you make it sound so suggestive."

Darren chuckled. "Oh, I can think of lots of things I'll suggest once we're back together…"

…

The rest of the wedding reception was a bit of a blur for Chris. Stoner Brett had apparently added a little _something_ to the torches, and soon the _I'll Show You Mine_ was filled with a heady, pungent smoke. Chris felt as though he was wading in slow motion through a thick fog.

After dancing with both of the grooms — something he had never thought he'd end up doing _au naturel_ — Chris found himself overcome by a severe case of the munchies. He made his way over to a corner of the room where guests were gathered around a huge spit on which a massive beast of some sort was roasting over an open fire. Platters of meat and vegetables sat on a nearby table, along with a dizzying assortment of desserts.

Chris piled his plate high, and then headed to another table on which stood rows of goblets filled with champagne. He wasn't too surprised to find Mother Goose presiding over the drinks. Now that the ceremony was over, she seemed to be reverting to her usual inebriated state.

"Chris, Chris, I'm so glad that you're here," she slurred, grabbing him by the wrist. "I think I know how to help you, my dear."

"Help me?" Chris repeated, feeling somewhat muddle-headed.

"Yes — help you find your way back home. All we need is the right tome."

At the sound of the word "home" Chris's fuzzy brain tried to snap back into focus. "That's great! What do we do?"

"You remember my friend, Holly?" Mother Goose asked, gesturing to the Elf Empress, Holly Holiday. It was a testament to how badly Chris wanted to return to his own world that he was completely unfazed by the fact that he was seeing Kristin Chenoweth and Gwyneth Paltrow naked. "Well, she's got a potion that's rather jolly. Here it is, just take a look. It will let you travel into any book!"

The Elf Empress held up a blue bottle. "One drop of this will allow you to enter the setting of any story. And Loosey Goosey, here," (with a wink and a nudge at April) "assures me that she has a collection of books from your world. So you should be able to use this potion to return home."

...

 **End Notes:** You're getting a special Tuesday update this week, since I'll be traveling tomorrow. I'm assuming I'll be able to post on Saturday, as usual, even though I'll be out of town, but if I run into trouble with the wi-fi access, don't worry. I'll be back next week.

P.S. Remember, this story takes place during the summer of 2012, when marriage equality existed in only 6 US states, and both California and Ohio were among the 44 states in which gay men and lesbians were not legally allowed to wed at that time.


	6. As Soon as I Find My Shoes I'm Gone

**6\. As Soon as I Find My Shoes I'm Gone**

 _In which the library is open…_

Chris awoke the next morning with a killer hangover. Apparently, mixing champagne with whatever Stoner Brett had added to the torches at Kurt and Blaine's wedding reception wasn't the brightest idea, but Chris hadn't been able to resist raising his glass again and again to toast the happy couple.

Learning that there might be a way for him to return to his own world had given Chris another reason to celebrate, and even the splitting headache he was now sporting couldn't dim his excitement when he remembered what Mother Goose and the Elf Empress had told him. It sounded like there might be a loophole in the spell the Fairy Godfather had cast to close the portal between the worlds, a way for Chris to get back home. Back to Darren.

Forcing his crusty eyes open with a groan, Chris looked around at the aftermath of what had been a spectacular party. Most of the guests seemed to have dragged themselves away, leaving the _I'll Show You Mine_ covered with a festive layer of debris. Chris caught sight of the magic mirror on the floor next to him. It took him a moment to realize that it was shimmering.

Tapping the mirror, Chris smiled blearily at Darren's expectant face.

"Finally!" Darren cried. "I've been trying to reach you for hours. This is the first time I've woken up before you since we've been apart."

"Ugh. I think I'm getting too old to party that hard."

Darren laughed. "Oh, yes. You're practically over-the-hill at the ripe old age of twenty-two."

"Well, we can't all be perpetual teenagers like you, Dare. And I don't know what Stoner Brett dosed us all with, but I feel like death warmed over."

"Hey, before you passed out last night, did you say something about maybe finding a way to come back here? Or was that just the chemicals talking?"

"Oh — yeah! The Elf Empress has this potion that's supposed to be able to take you into the setting of any book, and Mother Goose said she has some books from our world. We were all too out-of-it to really discuss things last night, but I think it might be a way for me to get home."

"Chris, that's amazing! What are you waiting for? I want you here _now_!"

"Okay, okay. Hold your horses," Chris said groggily. "First I've gotta find my clothes, and then I've gotta find Mother Goose."

Chris dragged himself up to standing and stumbled out of the _I'll Show You Mine_. He found his clothes by the entrance and fumbled his way into them, blinking his eyes against the afternoon light filtering through the trees of the Dwarf Forest.

A loud snoring drew Chris's attention to a nearby patch of moss, where Mother Goose and the Elf Empress lay in a naked, tangled heap.

"Oh god," Chris muttered. "I feel like I need a drink before I can deal with those two."

"Just close your eyes and think of England," Darren teased.

Chris heaved a sigh. He grabbed a couple of cloaks from the pile of unclaimed garments that had been left in the entryway of the _I'll Show You Mine_ and approached the women. Tossing the cloaks over them, he cleared his throat loudly.

Mother Goose roused herself with a snuffling snort. "What? What? Where am I? Whose hand is that?"

The Elf Empress hummed and pulled her closer. "Shhh… April, it's just me. Go back to sleep."

"Holly? Oh, yeah… It's all coming back to me…"

Chris cleared his throat again. "I'm sorry to disturb you, but you mentioned something last night about finding a way for me to get home."

At the sound of his voice, both women sat up, dislodging the borrowed cloaks.

"Chris! Oh, I almost forgot. I've been feeling terribly guilty about accidentally trapping you here, so when Holly mentioned her potion, I thought of you right away."

Chris was pleased to note that Mother Goose seemed perfectly lucid. He figured that she was an old pro when it came to dealing with hangovers, and since she hadn't had anything to drink yet, she wasn't speaking in rhymes.

"So, this potion can transport me into the setting of any book, and you've got some books from the other world, right? Where are they?"

Mother Goose looked sheepish. Whether she was still a little buzzed from the previous evening, or for some other reason, she reverted to rhyming as she answered. "I've been hiding out in the giant's castle since my little faux pas, when I pinched the Fairy Godfather's ass and everybody saw."

"The giant's castle?" Blaine repeated, as he and a delightfully rumpled-looking Kurt joined the group. "Isn't that terrifying cat still guarding the place?"

"Oh, Lord Tubbington's been absolutely no trouble for me. I just fill his bowl with bubbly and he's tame as can be." Mother Goose winked as she took a sip from the flask that had somehow appeared in her hand.

"Good to know," Chris said. "So, can we go there now and find a book for me to travel through? I don't mean to be impatient, but I'd really like to get home as soon as possible."

"Of course. And I'll come with you — don't you fear — so I can bring the Fairy Godfather back here."

"How will you do that?"

" _A Treasury of Fairy Tales_ is the tome. It will let the two of us come back home."

The newlyweds exchanged a look. "Blaine and I have been trying to come up with a suitably adventurous honeymoon destination. Another dimension sounds like it would fit the bill. Do you mind if we join you?"

Chris didn't hesitate. The choice between being stuck on his own with Mother Goose or inviting Kurt and Blaine along was a no-brainer. "Of course you can come. This'll be great!"

….

A deep rumbling filled the giant's library that evening, as Lord Tubbington lay purring in front of the fireplace. Mother Goose leaned up against the ten-foot ball of cat, snoring. The two of them had shared a bottle of bubbly for supper, and were now sleeping it off.

Chris, Kurt, and Blaine sat together on a massive armchair, looking over the books in Mother Goose's collection.

" _The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood_ ," Blaine read. "That sounds fun."

"Or _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_ ," Kurt suggested.

Chris laughed. "Why am I not surprised that you picked the two books with the word _'Adventures'_ in their titles as places you'd like to visit on your honeymoon?"

"The moment I fell for this one," Blaine said, with an adoring look at his husband, "I knew my life would never have another dull moment. And I wouldn't want it any other way."

"Awww…" Darren, who'd been watching and listening through the magic mirror, now chimed in. "You two are perfect for each other. But I don't think either one of you picked the perfect book. My vote is for _Peter Pan_."

"Says the boy who refuses to grow up," Chris teased.

"Hey! Being a grown-up is way over-rated. But if you don't like _Peter Pan_ , what about _The Once and Future King_? I've never read it, but I know it's the book that the musical _Camelot_ was based on, so it's gotta be good."

"The whole point of this is to get me back home," Chris reminded him. "So I'm thinking we should go with _The Wonderful Wizard of Oz_. After all, Kansas is just a short plane ride from L.A. Who knows — by this time tomorrow I may be knocking on your door."

Grinning, Darren began to sing:

 _Could be_

 _Who knows?_

 _There's something due any day_

 _I will know right away_

 _Soon as it shows_

 _It may come cannonballin'_

 _Down through the sky_

 _Gleam in it's eye_

 _Bright as a rose!_

 _Who knows?_

 _It's only just out of reach_

 _Down the block, on a beach_

 _Under a tree_

 _I got a feeling there's a miracle due_

 _Gonna come true_

 _Coming to me_

 _Could it be?_

 _Yes it could_

 _Something's coming_

 _Something good_

 _If I can wait_

 _Something's coming_

 _I don't know what it is_

 _But it is_

 _Gonna be great!_

 _With a click_

 _With a shock_

 _Phone'll jingle_

 _Door'll knock_

 _Open the latch!_

 _Something's coming_

 _Don't know when_

 _But it's soon_

 _Catch the moon_

 _One handed catch_

 _Around the corner_

 _Or whistling down the river_

 _Come on - deliver_

 _To me_

 _Will it be? Yes it will_

 _Maybe just by holding still_

 _It'll be there!_

 _Come on, something, come on in_

 _Don't be shy_

 _Meet a guy_

 _Pull up a chair_

 _The air is humming_

 _And something great is coming_

 _Who knows_

 _It's only just_

 _Out of reach_

 _Down the block, on a beach_

 _Maybe tonight_

 _Maybe tonight_

 _Maybe tonight..._

...

 **End Notes:** Please review! **:)**


	7. Somewhere Over the Rainbow

**7\. Somewhere Over the Rainbow**

 _In which I don't think we're in Kansas anymore…_

"So, how exactly does this potion work?" Kurt asked.

Mother Goose — sober and surprisingly bright-eyed — explained, "Well, Holly told me that all we need to do is place a single drop on the page of a book, and it will open up a portal into the setting of the story. Have you chosen a book yet, Chris?"

"Yeah. _The Wonderful Wizard of Oz_ begins in Kansas, which is the closest setting to my home, so I think that's the one."

"Okay. We'll all have a little adventure in your world, collect the Fairy Godfather, and then use the potion on _A Treasury of Fairy Tales_ to come back here."

"Kurt and I would like to have a bit of an extended honeymoon," Blaine said. "Is there enough of the potion for us to use on the other books, too?"

"Sure. We can bring the other books along, and you can pop from one to another for as long as you like. Luckily, I've got an extra copy of _A Treasury of Fairy Tales_ , so the Fairy Godfather and I can return here while you go off on your honeymoon trip and come back whenever you're ready."

"Thanks!"

"How soon can we leave?" Chris asked.

"I'm ready when you are," Mother Goose replied, gathering up _The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood, Peter Pan, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, The Once and Future King,_ and both copies of _A Treasury of Fairy Tales_ , and placing them in her satchel.

"Froggy and Red agreed to take care of the horses for us while we're away, so we can leave any time," Kurt said.

"Well, then let's get this show on the road," Chris urged.

He placed _The Wonderful Wizard of Oz_ on the floor, opened it to the first chapter, and looked expectantly at Mother Goose. With a rather dramatic flourish, she let a drop of the potion fall onto the exposed page.

A bright beam of light shot from the book all the way up to the giant's ceiling. Chris took a deep breath and stepped into the light. Kurt, Blaine, and Mother Goose followed him.

At first, all Chris saw was a vast white space, empty except for the four travelers. Soon, though, thousands and thousands of black words began swirling around them. The words gradually coalesced to form a vaguely familiar landscape. Chris, Kurt, Blaine, and Mother Goose found themselves standing in a drab beige field, under a dull gray sky.

Blaine turned in a slow circle. "Wow! This wheat field goes on forever. The Little Red Hen would _love_ it here."

Kurt's eyes were lit up with delight. He wrapped his arms around Blaine from behind, pulling his husband against his chest and rocking gently from side to side. "After all of the places we've traveled together, we're in another _dimension_. Best honeymoon ever."

The snarky side of Chris was amused that two daring outlaws from the fairytale world, who'd seen and done more than anyone here could possibly dream of, were now _ooohing_ and _ahhhing_ over a simple Kansas wheat field. His romantic side, though, wanted to do its own _ooohing_ and _ahhhing_ over how perfect they were together. And his practical side told him to stop staring at the newlyweds and instead focus on figuring out exactly how far they were from the nearest airport.

Whipping out his phone, Chris was disappointed — but not surprised, given that he hadn't been able to charge it in weeks — to find that the battery was dead. "Come on," he said to the others. "There's a house in the distance. Let's go see if they'll let me make a phone call."

As they approached the house, a young girl wearing pigtails and an old-fashioned dress came running out to greet them. In her arms was a scruffy little dog, who barked at the sight of them.

"Hush, Toto," said the girl. "We don't want to scare our visitors."

Hearing the name of the dog, Chris turned to Mother Goose and whispered, "You said that the potion would take us to the _setting_ of any book. You didn't mention anything about the plot or the characters."

"Hey, I was just repeating what the Elf Empress told me. I don't know any more about what's happening here than you do."

A man and a woman appeared on the porch behind the little girl. "Dorothy, come inside," the woman called urgently. "There's a storm brewing."

"But Auntie Em, look — we have visitors! Can they stay for lunch?"

The man and woman looked at each other and came to some sort of unspoken agreement. "All right, you'd better come inside. I'm Em, this is Henry, and this is our niece, Dorothy."

Chris stepped forward and held out his hand. "I'm Chris, and these are my friends, Kurt, Blaine, and April." (He figured it wouldn't do to refer to Mother Goose by her nickname here.)

The new acquaintances shook hands all 'round before going into the little house. It was a single room, as dim and colorless inside as everything had seemed outside. Chris felt as if he was looking at an old, sepia-toned photograph.

Mother Goose walked over to a window at the back of the house and peered outside. "What's that?" she asked.

Chris joined her. "Uh oh. I think there's a tornado heading this way."

Henry rushed to the window to confirm. "Yep, there's a twister coming. Quick, everyone get down in the storm cellar!"

He pulled open a heavy trapdoor, and ushered Em and Dorothy ahead of him down into a dark space below the house. A moment later, Dorothy popped back out.

"Toto!" she cried.

The little dog was hiding under the bed. Chris pulled him out and handed him to Dorothy. He was about to follow them down into the storm cellar when he realized that the back door of the house was open, and Kurt, Blaine, and Mother Goose were nowhere in sight.

Rushing out onto the back porch, Chris found the other three staring in fascination at the funnel cloud that was drawing ever closer. "What are you doing?!" he yelled above the noise of the rushing wind. "That thing will kill you! We've got to get down into the storm cellar!"

Chris shoved the others through the door and had just made it inside himself when the tornado struck the house and lifted it clean off of its foundation. Looking in horror through the still open trapdoor, he could see, not the storm cellar, but the ground, fifty feet below. Then a hundred feet below. Then a thousand. Until, eventually, he could see nothing at all.

"Wow!" Blaine said. "Are the storms in your world always this dramatic?"

Chris groaned. "No. But I guess once we saw Dorothy and Toto I should have been expecting this."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the beginning of _The Wonderful Wizard of Oz_ is set in my world. But that's not its only setting."

Before Chris could explain further, the house landed with a **_crash_**. Chris looked out the window at the colorful land around them.

"Uh oh. I don't think we're in Kansas anymore…"

 **End Notes:** Who's reading _The Land of Stories: An Author's Odyssey_? I got my copy yesterday, and I'm already hooked. :)


	8. If I Only Had a Clue

**8\. If I Only Had a Clue**

 _In which if wishes were horses of a different color, then we'd all be on a merry-go-round…_

Mother Goose flung open the door and stepped out onto the porch. Looking down at the feet protruding from under the house, she frowned. "Uh oh. I think we may have landed on somebody."

There was a great puff of smoke. When it cleared, an irate-looking woman with green skin was standing directly in front of Mother Goose. "You!" she shrieked. "You killed my sister!"

Without giving Mother Goose a chance to explain, the Witch waved her wand, shooting out ropes that wrapped the other woman from head to toe. Then she grabbed Mother Goose's immobilized body and hauled her onto her broomstick.

Kurt lunged forward, sai swords drawn, but it was too late. The Witch, with Mother Goose as her prisoner, flew quickly out of sight.

"What just happened?" Blaine asked, dazed.

"That was the Wicked Witch of the West. She's a character from the book. This house just landed on her sister, and now she's seeking revenge. We've got to save Mother Goose!"

"I wouldn't worry too much," Kurt said. "She's a tough old bird. And she's had plenty of experience dealing with witches. I'm sure she'll be fine."

"Well, whether she's fine or not, she's the one with the potion and the rest of the books. So unless we want to be stranded here forever, we'd better find her," Chris insisted.

"I don't know about forever," Blaine said, gazing around in wonder, "but I sure wouldn't mind spending a good chunk of our honeymoon here. This place looks amazing!"

Chris sighed. "How about you two go enjoy the sights, and I'll stay here and try to contact Darren. Just be back in an hour, okay?"

Kurt and Blaine headed off, hand-in-hand, and Chris tapped his magic mirror. He'd been wondering whether he'd be able to use it here, so he was relieved to see Darren's face come shimmering into focus.

"Chris! Did it work? Are you in Kansas?"

"Yes and no. The potion worked, and we _were_ in Kansas, but we're not there anymore."

"Did you already get a flight home? Are you in L.A.? Do you need me to pick you up at the airport?"

"Not exactly. We're in Oz."

"Oh my god! What happened?"

Chris filled Darren in. He ended by saying, "And now Kurt and Blaine are delighted with their magical honeymoon, and I'm left feeling like the fuddy-duddy old third wheel who just wants to do boring stuff like rescuing Mother Goose."

"Aw, baby, I'm sorry. But you can't blame them for being excited. I just wish I was there, so you and I could go exploring together, too. I mean, seriously, you're in _Oz_. You have to admit that's pretty cool."

Chris smiled. "You're right. It _is_ cool. I guess I just have to rearrange my expectations a little bit. I had my heart set on getting back to you."

"And you will. You and Kurt and Blaine will go find Mother Goose, who's probably drinking the Wicked Witch of the West under the table as we speak. And then, this time, you'll use the potion on _Peter Pan_ , like I suggested in the first place. Joey's taking a red-eye to London tonight, and he's been trying to talk me into tagging along. I'll bet I can score a last-minute seat on his flight, and then we can meet up there. How does that sound?"

"That sounds like a good plan. But I wish you were here."

"Oh, me too. Totally. Maybe, once you get home, we can ask Mother Goose to leave some of the potion with us, and we can go back there together."

"Yeah. I'd like that."

"Gimme a kiss," Darren said impulsively.

"What — through the mirror?"

"Yeah. I know it's silly, but I really want to kiss you right now."

Chris pressed his lips against the image of Darren's in the mirror. The glass was cool, hard, and smooth, rather than warm, soft, and supple, but still, in some small way, it helped him feel more connected to his boyfriend.

…

Kurt and Blaine returned to the house with sparkling eyes and flushed cheeks.

"This place is incredible," Blaine gushed. "The colors are so vibrant, and there are people and creatures like we've never seen before."

"We met a bunch of little folk called Munchkins," Kurt said. "They kept thanking us for killing the Wicked Witch of the East. We tried to explain that it was an accident, but they still treated us like heroes."

"We really appreciate you letting us come along on this adventure," Blaine added. "We couldn't have asked for a better honeymoon."

"I'm glad you're here with me," Chris told them sincerely. "And if it's adventure you're after, I think that rescuing Mother Goose will provide plenty of that. It's a long trek to the Witch's castle, and we're sure to find lots of excitement along the way."

"Well, then, what are we waiting for? Let's go!"

The three set off along the yellow brick road. Chris couldn't resist doing a little hop-skipping step-ball-change, which Kurt and Blaine soon picked up. The three of them linked arms, grinning like fools, as they sang, _"Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road…"_

A few miles (and a lot of giggles) later, they came across a Scarecrow hanging on a post at a fork in the road.

"Which way do we go?" Kurt asked.

"That way," the Scarecrow said, nearly tying himself in knots as he pointed in four different directions with his hands and his feet.

Blaine gasped. "Are you alive?"

"Of course I'm alive. But I can't really tell you which road to take. You see, I don't know much of anything, because I don't have a brain."

"Oh, how sad."

"I know. It's truly tragic," the Scarecrow agreed. Then he began to sing:

 _I could wile away the hours_

 _Conferrin' with the flowers_

 _Consultin' with the rain_

 _And my head I'd be scratchin'_

 _While my thoughts were busy hatchin'_

 _If I only had a brain_

 _I'd unravel any riddle_

 _For any individ'le_

 _In trouble or in pain_

Chris chimed in with Dorothy's part:

 _With the thoughts you'd be thinkin'_

 _You could be another Lincoln_

 _If you only had a brain_

The Scarecrow's voice rose as he launched into the bridge:

 _Oh, I would tell you why_

 _The ocean's near the shore_

 _I could think of things I never thunk before_

 _And then I'd sit and think some more_

 _I would not be just a nuffin'_

 _My head all full of stuffin'_

 _My heart all full of pain_

 _I would dance and be merry_

 _Life would be a ding-a-derry_

 _If I only had a brain_

When the Scarecrow finished singing, Kurt and Blaine applauded. "You know," Kurt told him, "we're on our way to rescue our friend, Mother Goose. She knows how to do magic. I'll bet if you come with us, she could give you a brain."

"Oh, that would be wonderful! If you help me down from this post, I'd love to join you on your quest."

Kurt and Blaine carefully helped detach the Scarecrow from his post. His legs were a bit wobbly at first, but soon he was kicking up his heels with joy at being free.

"Come on," Chris said. "I'm pretty sure we need to head this way."

A few miles further along, they spotted a Tin Woodman standing stiffly by the side of the road. He was holding up an ax in what looked to be a very uncomfortable position. Chris found an oil can on a nearby tree stump, and quickly lubricated the Tin Woodman's joints.

"Oh, thank you! I got caught out in the rain and rusted solid. I've been standing there for ages, waiting for someone to come along and help me. No one ever seems to take this road. Where are you all heading?"

"We're on a quest to rescue the magical Mother Goose," the Scarecrow said importantly. "And she's going to reward me by giving me a brain."

"Oh, can I come with you? If I help save Mother Goose, do you think she would reward me, too? You see, I really want a heart."

With that wistful pronouncement, the Tin Woodman began to sing:

 _When a man's an empty kettle_

 _He should be on his mettle_

 _And yet I'm torn apart_

 _Just because I'm presumin'_

 _That I could be a human_

 _If I only had a heart_

 _I'd be tender, I'd be gentle_

 _And awful sentimental_

 _Regarding love and art_

 _I'd be friends with the sparrows_

 _And the boy that shoots the arrows_

 _If I only had a heart_

 _Just to register emotion, jealousy, devotion_

 _And really feel the part_

 _I could stay young and chipper_

 _And I'd lock it with a zipper_

 _If I only had a heart_

"Of course you can join us," Chris told the Tin Woodman. "Come on."

It wasn't long before the five of them heard a sniffling sound coming from the side of the path.

"What's that?" Blaine asked. "It sounds like somebody crying."

Looking up into a nearby tree, Chris spotted a lion cowering on a branch.

"Hello," he called up. "Are you okay?"

"Do I look okay? I'm stuck. I climbed up this tree, and now I'm afraid to come down."

"I could chop the tree down for you," the Tin Woodman offered.

"Oh, no! Please don't! If you chop down the tree, I'll fall!"

"I could stand under the tree, and you could jump down on me," the Scarecrow suggested. "I'm filled with straw, so it would be a soft landing."

"No, I'm too scared to move."

"Well, how about we climb up there and carry you down, then," Kurt said.

"I guess that would be okay. Just be very careful not to drop me."

Kurt and Blaine shinnied up the tree. (Kurt added a little shimmy, for good measure.) They each used one arm to support the Cowardly Lion, and he clung to them tightly as they climbed back down to the ground.

"I'm so embarrassed. It's really dreadful to be a lion without any courage."

In a deep, growly voice, he began to sing:

 _Yeah, it's sad, believe me Missy_

 _When you're born to be a sissy_

 _Without the vim and verve_

 _But I could show my prowess_

 _Be a lion, not a mou-ess_

 _If I only had the nerve_

 _I'm afraid there's no denyin'_

 _I'm just a dandylion_

 _A fate I don't deserve_

 _I'd be brave as a blizzard_

 _As a lizard or a wizard_

 _If I only had the nerve_

"I know how important courage is," Blaine told him kindly. "Come with us. We're on our way to rescue Mother Goose. And when we do, she'll use her magic to give you all the courage you need."

"And she'll give me a brain," the Scarecrow said.

"And me a heart," said the Tin Woodman.

"And she'll help me get home," Chris added.

Taking both of Blaine's hands in his own, Kurt declared, "Mother Goose doesn't have to give me a single thing, because I've already got everything I'll ever need, right here."

"So do I," Blaine said, gazing adoringly at his husband. "Until the end of time."

...

 **End Notes:**

 _I'd be gleeful and gay,_

 _Oh yes, it would make my day,_

 _If I only had some reviews._

 **:)**


	9. Wicked?

**9\. Wicked?**

 _In which we find friends, both old and new…_

Chris offered to take the first watch that night, while Kurt, Blaine, the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman, and the Cowardly Lion all got some sleep. He was looking forward to having a bit of privacy to contact Darren.

Tapping his magic mirror, Chris was surprised to see a familiar face that was decidedly _not_ Darren's. "Joey?"

"Oh, wow! This thing really does work! I thought Darren was just fucking with my brain."

"Uh, yeah… What exactly has Darren told you?"

"Oh, he spent the entire first leg of our flight spinning this huge cock-and-bull story. I don't know which part was the most far-fetched — the idea that you might currently be residing in the land of Oz, or the notion that you'd actually date his sorry ass."

Darren's indignant face popped into view behind Joey. "Hey! I leave to check the departure board for one minute, and I come back to find you bad-mouthing me to my boyfriend."

Joey reached one hand back and ruffled Darren's shaggy curls playfully. "Sorry man. You know I love you, but you've gotta admit he's way out of your league."

" _Shhhh!_ _You_ know that, and _I_ know that, but so far Chris hasn't caught on. I'd like to keep it that way."

"Sorry, Darren," Chris teased. "Cat's out of the bag, now. I guess I'll have to find myself somebody better. I met a Scarecrow today who's impressively flexible. Or I could hook up with the Tin Woodman — I'll bet he could stay hard for hours…"

Joey hooted with laughter. Darren snatched the mirror out of his hand and pouted at Chris.

Chris leaned forward and sang, in a low voice, meant only for Darren to hear:

 _Nobody does it better_

 _Makes me feel sad for the rest_

 _Nobody does it half as good as you_

 _Baby, you're the best_

Smirking, Darren murmured back conspiratorially, "You just wait…"

"Okay, okay," Joey said, nudging his way back into view, "I can see for myself that this magic mirror thing actually works. And against all laws of nature, it sounds like you two really are together. So tell me the truth, Chris. Where exactly are you?"

"At this very moment? We're camped at the edge of the Winkie Country."

Joey snorted. "Winkie Country? Is that some kind of kids' book version of Penis Land?"

"Oh! Oh!" Darren cried. " _Me and My Winkie!_ That's totally what we should have called our musical. I tried to tell you _Me and My Dick_ was too crass. If we'd called it _Me and My Winkie_ , I'll bet we could've reached a much wider audience."

Wrapping an arm around Darren, Joey began to sing:

 _I wanna hold you all night long_

 _And cuddle 'til we're blue_

 _I'll hold you in a tight embrace_

 _I know it seems taboo_

 _But I have to have you with me now_

 _I have to have you kinky_

 _I love you more than anything_

 _My winkie!_

Darren — never one to pass up an opportunity to perform as a singing penis — chimed in:

 _I like being with you_

 _(I like being with you)_ Joey echoed.

 _And you like being with me_

 _(You like being with me)_

Then in perfect harmony they sang:

 _We're just the best of friends_

 _As anyone can see_

 _People say it's quite unlikely_

 _The two of us should be kinky_

 _But I just tell them... hey!_

 _It's me and my winkie!_

Chris was nearly crying with laughter by the end of their song. Belatedly, he realized that he'd been catching glimpses of other people in the background the whole time.

"Oh my god. Please tell me you two are not in public somewhere!"

"Um… We're in the international terminal at JFK. We've got a layover in New York before our flight to London."

"Darren! Ryan will _kill_ you if that ends up on youtube."

"Nah. With you trapped in another dimension, I'm sure he's got much more important stuff to worry about than whether or not I'm offending Middle America."

"Hey," Joey cut in, "they're pre-boarding our flight. We'd better get going."

"Okay. Wish me luck. If everything goes as planned, I'll see you both in London tomorrow."

…

The following afternoon, armed with buckets of water that they had drawn from a conveniently located well, the six unlikely companions made their way up to the Witch's castle. Only five of them were enthusiastic about their quest.

Chris was determined to rescue Mother Goose and retrieve the potion that would take him home. Kurt and Blaine were excited about the next phase of their adventure. The Scarecrow and the Tin Woodman were focused on getting a brain and a heart, respectively. The Cowardly Lion, though, was shaking so hard that water kept sloshing out of his bucket.

"Are you sh-sh-sh-sure that water will melt the Witch?"

"Yes," Chris reassured him, for the umpteenth time. "Just stick with the plan, and you'll be perfectly safe. We'll all surround the Witch, show her our buckets, and demand that she release Mother Goose. She'll probably give in right away. But if she doesn't, all we have to do is throw this water on her and she'll melt into nothingness."

The Scarecrow patted the Cowardly Lion comfortingly on the back. "And then, Mother Goose will reward you by giving you some courage. Won't that be worth it?"

"I g-g-g-guess so. But I wish I had some courage _n-n-now_ …"

As they entered the castle, Chris held a finger to his lips. A cackling laugh came drifting down the hallway. Motioning for the others to follow him, Chris moved towards the sound.

As they tiptoed into the room at the end of the hall, they were greeted by an unexpected sight. Mother Goose and the Wicked Witch of the West sat with their arms around each other, gazing into a crystal ball and laughing uproariously.

"Sure took you all long enough," Mother Goose giggled, looking up and gesturing at their buckets. "What were you planning to do with that stuff?"

"Um…" Chris began. "Well, we thought we might need to threaten the Witch so that she'd let you go."

"Oh, Elphaba is my bosom friend. I'd hate to see her come to a melty end."

"So, you're not being held captive?" Kurt tried to clarify.

"Being held captive? Of course I'm not. I've just been hanging with my pal and drinking a lot."

The last bit, Chris could easily believe. Mother Goose was slurring and rhyming up a storm, as she always did when inebriated.

Blaine, the consummate gentleman, stepped forward and held out his hand to the Witch. "I suppose we should introduce ourselves. I'm Blaine, and this is my husband, Kurt, and my friends Chris, the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman, and the Lion. We're sorry to come barging into your home like this, but we thought Mother Goose was your prisoner. After all, you seemed — understandably — very upset about your sister's unfortunate demise."

"That bitch? I never liked her anyway. April here did me a favor!"

"Oh. Well, uh, good, then," Blaine said, somewhat taken aback.

After being nudged repeatedly by the Scarecrow, Chris finally took the hint. "So, Mother Goose, even though you didn't really need us to rescue you, our friends here were willing to risk their lives to come to your aid. They were hoping you could use your magic to help them, in return."

"Oh, if I could, I surely would. But in this land, my magic's no good. It's true, although I'm sad to tell. I cannot cast a single spell."

The Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman, and the Cowardly Lion all slumped in disappointment.

"Maybe my magic will work in the next land we try. Let's pick another book and kiss this place goodbye," Mother Goose slurred, pulling the books from her bag and laying them on the table.

" _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_ ," the Scarecrow said wistfully. "What a marvelous title. If I only had a brain, I'd love to read that book."

"Wait," Chris said. "How did you know the title?"

"It's written right on the cover."

"But how did you know what it said?"

"I read the words."

There was a pause, as everyone absorbed the implications. Then the Scarecrow literally jumped for joy.

"I can read! I can read! It's a miracle! I have a brain!"

Kurt, Blaine, Chris, and the Tin Woodman clapped him on the back, sharing his elation. The Cowardly Lion, however, seemed even more dejected.

"It's all very well and good for you," he groused, "being able to read about _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_. But I'm too much of a coward to even listen to stories about adventures, let alone ever have any of my own. I _wish_ I had some courage."

"What do you mean, you'll never have any adventures of your own?" Kurt asked. "What do you think this whole quest to rescue Mother Goose has been, if not an adventure? And a potentially dangerous one, too."

"But you saw me. I was shaking with fear the whole time. I'm just a scaredy cat."

"Having courage doesn't mean you never feel afraid," Blaine said. "Having courage means refusing to let your fear stop you from doing what you want to do. I learned that from the bravest man I know."

Blaine gazed adoringly at his husband, who gave him a quick kiss before turning back to the Lion.

"Take a look around you," Kurt urged. "You're standing in the Witch's castle. Most people would call this a pretty scary place. But coming here was important to you, so you conquered your fear and did it. You already have all the courage you need."

The Lion straightened his spine and puffed out his chest at these words.

Blaine interlaced his fingers with Kurt's, bringing their linked hands to his lips. "Well said."

The Tin Woodman looked back and forth between the two of them. "What _I_ want more than anything is to find a love like yours someday," he said longingly. "But it will never happen, because I don't have a heart." And with that, he burst into tears.

The others rushed to comfort him.

"Why are you crying?" Kurt asked kindly.

"Because I'll never be able to experience the kind of love that you and Blaine share," he wailed. "And it's breaking my heart."

"It's breaking _what_?" Blaine asked.

"My _heart_ … Oh! Oh! I must have a heart after all! Wow — this is kind of painful. Why did I want one of these, again?"

Kurt only had eyes for Blaine as he answered, "Because all of the heartache in the world is worth it for the chance at true love."

...

 **End Notes:** Yes, _Me and My Dick_ really is a StarKid musical, staring Joey Richter as himself, and Darren (in the original — he was replaced by Joe Walker in the version that's on youtube) as Dick, his penis.

I feel the need to class things up after that, so here's a quote from Nelson Mandela: "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."


	10. Peter Pan

**10\. Peter Pan**

 _In which the boys are lost…_

The Wicked Witch of the West — who insisted, to Chris's amusement, that everyone call her Elphaba — invited them all to stay for dinner. Since the travelers hadn't had anything to eat that day other than a few apples they'd picked along the road, they readily agreed.

Chris felt a little trepidation as a flock of winged monkeys flew down bearing serving trays, but he needn't have worried. The Witch's kitchen staff had provided them with a sumptuous feast. Chris, Kurt, Blaine, the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman, and the Lion tucked in gratefully, while Mother Goose and the Witch picked at their food and drank deeply from their goblets.

It was well past dark by the time they'd finished dessert. Chris didn't want to be rude, but he was growing more and more impatient to finally see Darren.

"Thank you so much for your hospitality, Elphaba," he said. "Dinner was wonderful, but we really do need to get going."

"Yes, yes, I suppose we do," Mother Goose acknowledged. "Although I promise someday to come back and see you," she added, giving the Witch a hug.

Chris opened _Peter Pan_ , and Mother Goose allowed a drop of the potion to fall onto the first page. The residents of Oz gasped as a beam of light shot from the book. Chris hugged the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman, and the Lion in turn before bidding them a fond farewell and stepping into the light.

This time, when the swirling words in the book resolved themselves into a recognizable landscape, Chris found himself on a street in London. He turned and grinned widely at Kurt, Blaine, and Mother Goose as they appeared behind him.

"We made it! And don't worry, there are no tornadoes in this story."

Chris took out his magic mirror, eager to contact Darren. Before he could even tap it, however, a boy swooped down and snatched it out of his hand.

Chris grabbed for the mirror, but the boy — who Chris now recognized as Peter Pan — rose into the air, just out of reach. "Nyah-nyah nyah-nyah-nyah," he taunted, "you can't catch me!"

"Peter, please give that back."

"No. If you want it, you have to chase me," Peter said, showing off his aerial maneuvers.

"Well, that's going to be pretty difficult, since I can't fly."

"Oh, I know how to fix that," Peter said. "Hey, Tink! Hit these guys with some pixie dust!"

Despite his annoyance with Peter, Chris was excited to see Tinker Bell. The tiny fairy sprinkled him and his companions with a sparkly powder that made them tingle all over. Chris felt a strange weightlessness come over his body. He looked down to realize that he was floating a few feet above the ground.

"Come on!" Peter called, rising higher and higher.

"Wait!" Chris cried, but it was no use.

Peter zipped away, with Chris, Kurt, Blaine, and Mother Goose in hot pursuit. Whenever they fell behind, Peter slowed down, but as soon as they got close, he put on a burst of speed. He led them on a merry chase, past Big Ben, then high over London. Soon the city was nothing but a faint glow beneath them.

"Stop!" Chris cried. "Where are you going?"

"Second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning!"

Chris hesitated. He desperately wanted to get the magic mirror back, but he wasn't willing to go to Neverland to do it. "Forget it," he told Peter. "We're not coming with you."

Tinker Bell made a high, musical sound that Mother Goose could apparently interpret. "She says to stay with Peter and fly, if you don't want to crash to the earth and die."

Chris gulped, suddenly realizing just how far away the ground really was. He supposed he had no choice but to follow Peter to Neverland.

As they neared the magical island in the sky, Tinker Bell's musical voice sounded again, and Mother Goose smiled. "She says the pirates have the best rum. I'm gonna go with her and get me some!"

With that, Mother Goose and Tinker Bell peeled away from the main group and quickly disappeared.

Chris, Kurt, and Blaine followed Peter as he landed on the island. A troop of young boys rushed out to greet him.

"Peter! Peter!" the Lost Boys cried, swarming all over him. "What have you brought us?"

The littlest boy snatched the mirror from Peter's hand and held it up. " _Oooh,_ " he marveled. " _Shiny!_ "

Kurt stepped forward, sai swords drawn. "I'll take that."

Wide-eyed, the boy handed over the mirror. "Your swords are shiny, too. Can you use them to kill pirates?"

"If I have to," Kurt said, passing the mirror to Chris.

"Show us! Show us! Show us!" chanted the Lost Boys.

They pointed Kurt toward an animal hide strung between two trees. On it, a crude figure of a pirate had been sketched out in charcoal. With a flourish, Kurt twirled his swords, cutting two neat circles out of the hide. As he stepped back, his audience could see a small hole where the pirate's heart would have been, and a larger one in place of his head.

The Lost Boys clapped and cheered.

"You have to teach us how to do that! Then we can fight the pirates!"

"Alright. But only if you help us rescue Mother Goose."

"A mother!" the littlest boy cried. "I want a mother. Even if she _is_ a goose…"

Blaine picked the boy up and spun him around. "She's not really a goose. That's just her nickname, silly."

The little boy squealed with delight.

"Okay, gather 'round," Blaine said, placing the boy back on the ground. "Kurt and I will teach you everything you need to know about fighting pirates."

Chris couldn't help smiling at the looks of hero-worship on all of the Lost Boys' faces. Even Peter appeared to be caught up in the spell. In fact, if the puppy-dog eyes he was giving Kurt were any indication, he seemed to be developing a bit of a crush…

Leaving Kurt and Blaine to deal with the youngsters, Chris decided to take this opportunity to contact Darren. He walked a few yards away from the others, sat down behind a tree, and tapped the magic mirror.

"Chris! Finally! I was starting to get worried. Is everything okay?"

"Well, if by 'okay' you mean 'is everybody in one piece,' then the answer is yes. But if you mean 'are we in London,' then the answer is no."

"What happened? Are you still in Oz?"

Chris filled Darren in on their impromptu trip to Neverland. He ended by saying, "Now Kurt and Blaine are teaching the Lost Boys how to fight the pirates, so we can go rescue Mother Goose. Again. I swear, if that woman didn't have the books and the potion I need to get back home, I'd let her rot in their brig."

"Oh, come on. I know you secretly get a kick out of what a wacky old booze-hound of a character she's turned out to be."

"It's true," Chris admitted. "She certainly livens things up. And I'll bet she doesn't really need to be rescued. She's probably having a grand old time, drinking rum with Captain Hook."

"So, once you do find her, and the books, what's your next stop going to be?"

"I think we'll try _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_. I'm not sure exactly where that one started out, but I don't think it was too far from London."

"Hang on — let me look it up… Oh, here it is… According to Wikipedia, the story began along the bank of the River Isis, between Oxford and Godstow. I can catch a train and meet you there."

"Sounds good. I can't wait to see you."

…

It was a motley crew that approached Pirates' Cove that afternoon. Kurt had his sai swords, and Blaine carried his ax, while Peter and the Lost Boys clutched an assortment of makeshift weapons. Chris held tightly to his own sai swords, fashioned by Kurt from a couple of rapiers they'd found. He fervently hoped that the youtube videos he'd studied as a teenager would prove as useful in battle as they had when he'd just been twirling sai swords for fun.

As they neared the pirate ship, Chris held out his hand to stop the others. "Wait — we haven't discussed our strategy. What's the plan?"

"Kill the pirates!" yelled the Lost Boys.

"Stab them!"

"Bash them!"

"Slice them!"

"Smash them!"

"Cook them in a stew!"

"Feed them to the crocodile!"

Chris couldn't help himself. He burst out laughing at the bloodthirsty expressions on the little boys' faces.

"I think maybe we'd better stay away from the crocodile," he warned. Then he began to sing:

 _Never smile at a crocodile_

 _No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile_

 _Don't be taken in by his welcome grin_

 _He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin_

 _Never smile at a crocodile_

 _Never tip your hat and stop to talk awhile_

 _Never run, walk away, say good-night, not good-day_

 _Clear the aisle, but never smile at Mister Crocodile_

The Lost Boys cheered as Chris finished his song. "Sing another! Sing another!"

"Maybe later. Right now, we need to figure out how we're going to rescue Mother Goose from the pirates."

"I think we should send out a scout," Kurt suggested. "We need to know where she's being held, and how many men are guarding her."

"I'll go!" Peter volunteered.

Kurt smiled at him, and Peter blushed. _Yep, definitely infatuated_ , Chris thought.

Peter flew off toward the Jolly Roger. The others waited with bated breath for him to return. When he did, he was grinning broadly.

"It looks like they've been having a drinking contest. There are empty bottles of rum all over the deck, and the pirates are all passed out cold. Mother Goose and Captain Hook are the only ones left standing, and they're not too steady on their feet."

"Perfect!" Chris said. "You and the Lost Boys can take on Captain Hook, while Kurt, Blaine, and I grab Mother Goose."

"Attack!" the Lost Boys shouted, racing toward the ship. The others followed right on their heels.

As he stepped on deck, Chris realized that things had taken a turn for the worse. Apparently, Captain Hook was a mean drunk. He and Mother Goose were standing on a wooden plank that extended over the side of the ship, and he was forcing her closer and closer to the edge with a wicked-looking cutlass.

"You take that back!" Captain Hook roared. "Just because I don't want to go skinny-dipping with you in crocodile-infested waters does not make me a sissy!"

Mother Goose gave him a cheeky grin. "Oh, don't be such a party-pooper. I bet a swim would be just super."

"Charge!" Peter ordered, and he and the Lost Boys surged forward.

Captain Hook turned to face the oncoming children. Mother Goose took advantage of his momentary distraction to pinch him sharply on the ass. He let out an undignified squeak, overbalanced, and pitched off the side of the plank into the waves below.

Peter and the Lost Boys whooped and hollered as they performed a boisterous victory dance.

Mother Goose gazed down into the water. "Too bad Captain Hook's now swimming with the fishes. That old boy's rum was quite delicious…"

...

 **End Notes:** You'll never guess where I'm going tomorrow...


	11. Wonderland

**11\. Wonderland**

 _In which Chris discovers an inconvenient truth…_

Stepping into the light that shone out of _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_ , Chris felt as though there was a light shining out of his own heart, as well. As the words of the book swirled around him, he waited impatiently for them to take shape and deposit him back in his own world. After all that he'd been through, finally, finally, he and Darren were about to be reunited.

The moment the world stopped spinning, Chris pulled out his magic mirror and gave it a tap. Darren's face immediately appeared the glass.

"Hi! Please tell me you made it here."

"Yep. If the Wikipedia article you read is to be believed, we're on the bank of the River Isis, somewhere between Oxford and Godstow."

"Perfect. It turns out that the Isis is just another name for the upper part of the Thames. Joey and I are in Oxford at some place called Salter Steamers that rents out boats. We'll start rowing upstream, and you start walking downstream, and we'll meet up soon."

"Okay. I can't wait to see you."

Chris put away the mirror and turned to Kurt, Blaine, and Mother Goose. "Come on. Let's go find Darren."

The four companions set out on a lovely stroll through the bucolic landscape. The river flowed placidly between grassy banks dotted with trees, and a few white clouds drifted across the blue sky overhead. Chris glanced fondly at Kurt and Blaine, who were swinging their linked hands between them. Soon, he and Darren would be doing the same…

As they continued walking, however, Chris began to feel concerned. There was no sign of Darren and Joey. In fact, the only boat they'd passed had held a family all dressed up in old fashioned clothes.

Chris brought the magic mirror back out and contacted Darren. "Hey - where are you guys?"

"We're almost to Godstow. Where are _you?_ "

"We've gotta be almost to Oxford by now. We must have missed you somehow. Turn around and come back."

"Okay… Joey just looked on his phone, and he says we should meet up at the Folly Bridge."

"Hurry. I miss you."

"Don't worry. Now that we're heading downstream, the current will help push us along. We'll see you soon."

As Darren's face faded from the mirror, though, Chris couldn't help but worry. He could see Oxford in the distance, and something wasn't right. At first it was just a vague sense of wrongness, but as they drew closer to the city he realized what was bothering him.

"Where are all the cars? And why are there so many horse-drawn carriages?"

Kurt and Blaine looked at him blankly, but Mother Goose, who'd visited this world before, quickly grasped the situation.

"Holly told me that the potion would take us into the setting of any book. And here we are in Oxford — just take a look. But I assumed that 'setting' only meant _place_. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case. I didn't realize that 'setting' meant _time_ , as well. But this isn't 2012, as you can tell."

Chris groaned. "Oh, no. Does that mean we're in the 1800s?"

"It sure looks like it, I'm sorry to say. This certainly isn't the present day."

"Damn! Now what are we going to do? Will we even be able to get back to where we started? Or will _A Treasury of Fairy Tales_ drop us into the wrong time, too?"

"Once we're back in the fairytale world my magic will work again. Then I'll be able to take us anywhere and any-when."

Chris sighed. "Okay. I guess I'd better let Darren and Joey know that we won't be meeting up with them today. This potion seemed like a good idea, but we'll have to find some other way to get back together. If we can't get me to where and when Darren is, can you think of anything that might be able to bring Darren back to the fairytale world?"

Taking a swig from the flask that she'd refilled with the pirates' rum, Mother Goose scrunched up her face, apparently deep in thought. "Hmmm… There's something just teasing the back of my brain. Something I thought when I wasn't quite sane. I was smoking hashish with some sort of fellow. My mind was all foggy — I was feeling quite mellow. He was talking about some magic right here. Some kind of gateway could be very near…"

 _"_ _Where?"_

"I just can't remember… Now who was that bloke? Maybe it would help if I had another smoke. A little more hashish might bring it all back. Yes — I think that a hookah would get me on track."

"Well, then I guess it's a good thing that there's a hookah-smoking caterpillar in this story. Come on — let's retrace our steps. It looks like we're gonna have to head down the rabbit hole to Wonderland."

…

Wonderland was just as bizarre and disorienting as Chris had always imagined it would be. By the time he and his friends finally found the giant caterpillar lounging on an enormous mushroom, Chris felt as though he was the one who'd been smoking hashish.

Mother Goose, who had been bemoaning the fact that her flask was empty, perked up at the sight of the hookah. She plopped herself down next to the caterpillar with a smile. "May I?" she asked.

The caterpillar passed her the hookah, and she took a long drag, then another, and another. Her smile grew fuzzy and her eyes glazed over.

"Well?" Chris asked. "Can you remember who you were talking to the last time you smoked hashish?"

"Mmmm… Yeah… Big and fat, that pussycat… Pretty kitty… So, so vain about his mane…"

"A lion! Where was he?"

"Not flesh and bone, but made of stone… Westminster Bridge in London town… But London Bridge is falling down… Falling down… Falling down…"

As Mother Goose repeated the words "falling down," she slowly slid onto the ground, unconscious. Concerned, Blaine knelt down beside her, checking her pulse. Kurt rolled his eyes and slapped her sharply across the face.

Mother Goose popped up to a sitting position, glancing around wildly. "I've gotta get out of here! I need a beer!"

With that, she grabbed her bag, whipped out the potion bottle and her copy of _The Once and Future King_ , and before anyone could stop her she'd activated the spell and disappeared into the book.

"Not again!" Chris groaned.

"I should have slapped her harder," Kurt said.

Blaine took his hand and pulled him toward the light coming from the book. "Come on! I can't wait to see the next place we get to visit on the best honeymoon ever!"

…

 **End Notes:** I got to see Chris on his book tour last weekend, and I won the meet and greet. Best day ever! :D


	12. The Lusty Month of May

**12\. The Lusty Month of May**

 _In which it's wild! It's gay! Depraved in every way!_

Following Kurt and Blaine into _The Once and Future King,_ Chris found himself in Camelot. They seemed to have arrived right in the middle of an outdoor celebration of some sort. All around them, people were whirling and dancing and singing:

 _It's May! It's May!_

 _The lusty month of May!_

 _That lovely month when ev'ryone goes_

 _Blissfully astray_

 _It's here, it's here!_

 _That shocking time of year_

 _When tons of wicked little thoughts_

 _Merrily appear_

It didn't take long for Kurt and Blaine to get swept up in the revelry. With hands linked, they swung each other around, and then went skipping off together to join the festivities.

 _It's May! It's May!_

 _That gorgeous holiday_

 _When ev'ry maiden prays that her lad_

 _Will be a cad_

 _It's mad! It's gay!_

 _A libelous display!_

 _Those dreary vows that ev'ryone takes,_

 _Ev'ryone breaks_

 _Ev'ryone makes divine mistakes_

 _The lusty month of May!_

Chris looked around, but he couldn't spot Mother Goose anywhere.

 _Whence this fragrance wafting through the air?_

 _What sweet feelings does its scent transmute?_

 _Whence this perfume floating ev'rywhere?_

 _Don't you know it's that dear forbidden fruit!_

 _Tra la la la la! That dear forbidden fruit!_

 _Tra la la la la!_ _Tra la la la la!_

Temporarily abandoning his search, Chris decided to stop resisting temptation and allowed himself to break into song:

 _Tra la! It's May!_

 _The lusty month of May!_

 _That darling month when ev'ryone throws_

 _Self-control away_

 _It's time to do_

 _A wretched thing or two_

 _And try to make each precious day_

 _One you'll always rue_

As Chris wound his way through the throng of medieval merrymakers, he noticed that they seemed to be taking the words of the song to heart.

 _It's May! It's May!_

 _The month of "yes you may"_

 _The time for ev'ry frivolous whim_

 _Proper or "im"_

 _It's wild! It's gay!_

 _Depraved in every way!_

 _The birds and bees with all of their vast_

 _Amorous past_

 _Gaze at the human race aghast_

 _The lusty month of May!_

Everywhere he looked, Chris saw men and women in various stages of inebriation and undress coming together in every possible combination of gender and number.

 _Tra la! It's May!_

 _The lusty month of May!_

 _That lovely month when ev'ryone goes_

 _Blissfully astray_

 _Tra la! It's here!_

 _That shocking time of year_

 _When tons of wicked little thoughts_

 _Merrily appear_

Chris had to politely but firmly rebuff quite a few ladies and gentlemen who were trying to get a little too handsy with him.

 _It's May! It's May!_

 _The month of great dismay_

 _When all the world is brimming with fun,_

 _Wholesome or "un"_

 _It's mad! It's gay!_

 _A libelous display!_

 _Those dreary vows that ev'ryone takes_

 _Ev'ryone breaks_

 _Ev'ryone makes divine mistakes_

 _The lusty month of May!_

As the song ended, most of the revelers paired off to pursue their debauchery in the relative privacy of the surrounding woods. Kurt and Blaine were nowhere to be found, and Chris assumed they'd slipped away to engage in their own honeymoon celebration. Mother Goose was likewise missing in action, but Chris didn't want to imagine what she might be getting up to.

Once the giddy excitement of the song was over, Chris experienced a sudden wave of exhaustion. He realized that he hadn't slept properly since Oz. Flying to Neverland with Peter Pan had kept them up all night, and he'd been running on adrenaline and hope ever since. With no immediate threat on the horizon, the adrenaline was fading fast. And with no concrete plan for how he and Darren would be reunited, his hope was fading, too. Weary in body and spirit, Chris lay down on the soft moss beneath an ancient oak tree, and fell asleep.

Chris drempt.

"I have come," said a deep voice behind him.

In the dream, Chris turned and saw a lion, so bright and real and strong that everything else began at once to look pale and shadowy. A terrifying sense of awe rushed over him, and Chris found himself trembling uncontrollably.

"Courage, dear heart," said the lion. "You have listened to fears, child. Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them. Are you brave again?"

As the lion's breath touched him, Chris felt his fear melting away. Looking around in wonder, he realized that he was in Narnia.

"Aslan, can you tell me how to get back to my own world?" he asked.

"I shall be telling you all the time," said Aslan. "But I will not tell you how long or short the way will be."

"So there _is_ a way! Does it have anything to do with what Mother Goose was rambling about while she was smoking the hookah?"

"Child," said the lion, "I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own."

"My story has gotten so mixed up, I hardly know where I am anymore."

 **"** When things go wrong, you'll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right they often go on getting better."

"But when will they start going right?"

"Soon."

"What do you call soon?"

"I call all times soon," the lion replied enigmatically. "And now, to business. I feel I am going to roar. You had better put your fingers in your ears."

Before Chris could do so, however, the dream-lion let out such a mighty roar that it woke him up. He turned his head from side to side, half-expecting to see Narnia, but he was still lying under a tree on the grounds of Camelot. He must have slept through the night, for the birds above him were greeting the dawn with a joyful chorus.

Chris sat up and leaned against the tree. Pulling out his magic mirror, he saw that it was already shimmering, signifying that Darren was trying to contact him. Chris gave the glass a quick tap, and his boyfriend's face appeared.

"Hi, sweetie. I just woke up. Have you been trying to reach me for long?"

"Yeah! I was getting worried. The last I heard, you were heading down the rabbit hole to Wonderland. Is that where you are?"

"No, we're in Camelot on another wild goose chase."

Darren chuckled. "What's Mother Goose done now?"

"God only knows. Before she led us here she did meet up with the hookah-smoking caterpillar, though. The hashish made her remember something about talking to a stone lion on Westminster Bridge in London. But before I could ask her anything, she took off, and I have no idea where she is."

"A stone lion, huh? Do you think that's significant?"

"I don't know, but I just had the most vivid dream about a lion. I'm pretty sure it was Aslan from _The Chronicles of Narnia_. I was trying to get him to tell me how to get home, but he kept speaking in riddles."

Joey's face popped into the mirror, looking over Darren's shoulder. "Hi, Chris. Hope you don't mind, but I was listening in. I googled 'stone lion Westminster Bridge' and there's a statue there called the South Bank Lion. Do you think Darren and I should go check it out?"

"Well, it certainly couldn't hurt."

"Okay. We'll head back to London and let you know what we find out. I'll go check out the train schedule and let you two lovebirds have a minute alone."

Joey winked at Chris, tousled Darren's hair, and then disappeared.

"He's been teasing me mercilessly," Darren complained.

"You're not fooling me. You love it."

"I love anything that reminds me of you."

"Awww… Stop making me miss you so much."

"Something tells me we won't be missing each other too much longer. I have a good feeling about this lion…"

 **End Notes:** Guess who's visiting me? My beta-reader extraordinaire, whom I met online two years ago when she started commenting on _The Land of Stories: Gleefully Ever After._ I finally got to meet her in person yesterday. Best thing to come out of this fandom. **:D**


	13. The South Bank Lion

**13\. The South Bank Lion**

 _In which Darren and Joey take a trip…_

"So, I guess we're heading to London to find a way for you to meet back up with lover-boy, huh?" Joey teased.

"He's not my 'lover-boy' yet, which totally sucks," Darren complained. "Since we've been together, we've barely even kissed, let alone done anything else."

"Seriously? I may be straight(ish) but even I can see he's hot as fuck. How have you managed to resist tapping that?"

"The day after we got together, he had to fly off on his book tour, and as soon as he got back we ended up in the fairytale world again, where there was this whole crazy curse thing that made people fall asleep forever if they kissed, and then once the curse was lifted I came back here and he got trapped in the _Land of Stories_."

"You do realize that you sound completely insane, right? It would be much more plausible if you'd just admit that Chris decided he wasn't really into hobbits."

With a mock-ferocious roar, Darren launched himself at Joey and tackled him to the floor. It was a good thing they were the only ones in their train compartment, because any onlookers would have been quite alarmed by the way they were rolling around in the tight space, trying to pin each other down. Joey had the advantage of both height and weight, but Darren was strong, and he fought dirty. The battle could have gone on indefinitely if they hadn't both been seized by fits of incapacitating giggles.

Once they'd caught their breath and dragged themselves back up onto their seats, Darren gave Joey an uncharacteristically serious look. "You know, I really appreciate you coming with me, man."

"Well, you certainly can't be trusted to go wandering about on your own, now can you?"

"No, seriously, Joey. I'm really glad that you're here."

"Of course. What are friends for?"

"And you know you're still my best friend, even though I'm with Chris now, right?"

"I know," Joey said, pulling Darren into a hug, "but it's still nice to hear it."

"I love you, man," Darren said, hugging him back.

"Yeah, yeah, I love you, too," Joey said, giving him one more squeeze. Then he pushed Darren away and teased, "But you'd better get off of me before you accidentally butt-dial your boyfriend on that magic mirror and make him jealous."

…

It was 3:00 AM, and Darren and Joey were staring up at the South Bank Lion with their mouths hanging open.

When they'd visited the statue the previous afternoon, they'd been unable to find any clues that might lead them into the fairytale world. Darren had suggested that they return in the wee hours of the morning, when there wouldn't be many people around, and try to talk to the massive stone lion. Joey had gone along with the plan just to humor him, never dreaming that they'd be having an actual conversation with the statue.

Now, the lion looked down at them with a bemused expression. "You said that Mother Goose sent you, and that you knew I could talk. So why do you seem so surprised? I wouldn't have answered you if I thought you were going to freak out on me."

Darren — having had more experience with talking animals than Joey — was the first to pull himself together. "Oh, no, don't worry, we're not freaking out. We're just thrilled to meet you."

"The pleasure is all mine," the lion rumbled.

Darren couldn't tell whether or not he was being sarcastic, but decided not to take offense. "Mother Goose mentioned that you might know of some sort of magical gateway between the worlds. Can you tell us how to get there?"

"Go to Kings Cross Station, platform nine and three-quarters."

Darren laughed. "We're not trying to get to Hogwarts — we're trying to get to the _Land of Stories_."

"Magic is magic. Whether you're heading to the _Land of Stories_ or to Mars, you have to start by going back to Hogwarts."

"Are you messing with us?" Darren demanded.

"No. I swear it's true, or my name's not Rumbleroar."

"Get out! Your name's _Rumbleroar_?!"

"As I live and breathe."

"But you're a stone statue. You don't live or breathe."

"Do you want my help, or not?"

"Yeah."

"Well, then you'd better head to Kings Cross. That's the first step you have to take. The rest is up to you."

And that was the last word they could get from the statue.

…

Darren and Joey caught a few hours sleep before heading to Kings Cross Station. They arrived around quarter to eleven, which seemed to be an auspicious time.

As they stood on the edge of platform nine, Joey grinned at Darren and said, "Well, come on, friend. Let's go to Hogwarts. Just gotta go through that brick wall."

Darren knew his next line. "That sounds kinda scary."

"Hey, it's okay. We can do it together. Wanna hold hands?"

"I'd love that."

Joey held out his hand and Darren took it. Then he said, "On the count of three — one, two, three!"

The two of them yelled and raced toward the wall, each expecting the other to pull up and stop. Instead, they passed right through the barrier.

They stared around in wonder. Somehow, they seemed to have found themselves on platform nine and three-quarters. Or, not actually on platform nine and three-quarters, but on the version of it they'd created on the set of _A Very Potter Sequel_. They were surrounded by their friends from the University of Michigan, all dressed up for the musical.

Brian Rosenthal pointed at Darren, jumping up and yelling, "Bloody hell! It's Harry Potter!"

Joey couldn't pass up this opportunity. He began to sing:

 _You're Harry Freakin' Potter!_

 _You don't understand_

 _You're a legend, man,_

 _To us all!_

 _Every son and daughter_

 _Safe!_

 _From You-Know-Who,_

 _All because of you!_

 _You were small,_

 _But I wonder if you can recall..._

 _Long story short,_

 _This guy,_

[whispering] _"Voldemort"_

 _Was super cruel..._

Darren had to chime in with his line: _"Voldemort?"_

Everyone on the platform gasped. _"SHHH!"_

Joey continued:

 _Tried to kill you and your parents,_

 _And this is where it gets intensely cool..._

 _Even though you were a tiny little boy,_

 _You should'a died but you survived and then destroyed_

 _This evil guy and it's a story we enjoy to tell..._

Everyone joined in on the chorus:

 _You're Harry Freakin' Potter!_

 _We don't prefer_

 _Gandalf, Merlin, or Oz,_

 _You're a whole lot hotter!_

 _With that lighting scar,_

 _You're a superstar_

 _To us all!_

 _If we're in trouble we know who to call!_

Jamie Lyn Beatty stepped up as Rita Skeeter:

 _You're Harry Freakin' Potter!_

 _I wouldn't wince at all,_

 _You're invincible to all harm!_

 _Like Betty Crocker —_

 _I wanna eat you up!_

 _No one'll beat you up_

 _With that charm!_

 _Remember, Harry, kid,_

 _You're the Boss,_

 _You're the King,_

 _You're the Bomb!_

Even though he was notorious for forgetting the words to his own songs, in this context there was no way Darren could miss his next lines:

 _But this is all so sad,_

 _I mean, my Mom and Dad_

 _Were killed, long ago..._

 _(Long ago they died!_ the chorus agreed.)

 _I wanna be psyched,_

 _But being unliked_

 _Is all I know..._

 _(All he knows, that's why —)_

 _I never thought I'd be a part of such a fate,_

 _An opportunity eleven years late..._

 _I guess it's time for me step up to the plate_

 _And show 'em that I'm something great!_

 _I'm Harry Freakin' Potter!_

 _I'll do what I can_

 _If what you say I am_

 _Is true!_

 _I can't be bothered_

 _By my awful past,_

 _I've found at last_

 _Something I can do,_

 _So it's time I knew_

 _Exactly who I am..._

 _I'm Harry Freakin' Potter!_

Everyone echoed: _You're Harry Freakin' Potter!_

 _I'm Harry Freakin' Potter-_

 _And I'm the man!_

 _…_

 **End Notes:** Now things are getting interesting…


	14. Goin' Back to Hogwarts

**14\. Goin' Back to Hogwarts**

 _In which there are witches and wizards and magical beasts…_

Darren and Joey sat side by side on the Hogwarts Express, both grinning from ear to ear. Against all laws of the known universe, they'd somehow gone from Kings Cross Station, to what looked like a set from _A Very Potter Sequel,_ to an actual steam train chugging north through the English countryside. From the moment they'd taken their seats, both Darren and Joey had been unconsciously humming the same tune, and suddenly they broke out in song:

 _We gotta get back to Hogwarts_

 _We gotta get back to school_

 _We gotta get back to Hogwarts_

 _Where everything is magic-coooool_

 _Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts_

 _To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts_

 _It's all that I love, and it's all that I need_

 _At_ _Hogwarts, Hogwarts_

 _I think we're going back..._

Their song was interrupted when their compartment door opened, revealing Lauren Lopez dressed up as Draco Malfoy. She sang:

 _This year, you bet, gonna get outta here_

 _The reign of Malfoy is drawing near_

 _I'll have the greatest wizard career_

 _It's gonna be totally awesome!_

 _Look out world, for the dawn of the day_

 _When everyone will do whatever I say_

 _And Potter won't be in my way,_

 _Then I'll be the one who is totally awesome!_

Darren stood up, and stepped forward to pull her into a hug. "Lauren! It's great to see you! How've you been?"

Lauren pushed him away with a disdainful sneer. "Who are you calling Lauren?! I'm Draco Malfoy! Lauren's a girl's name, and I'm no girl. _You're_ the _girl!_ "

If Draco thought that Darren would take being called a girl as an insult, he was wildly mistaken. Instead, being Darren, he took it as a song cue:

 _I am_

 _The coolest girl_

 _In the whole wide world_

 _I know it, but can't show it at all_

 _I am_

 _Sick and tired_

 _Of low, not higher_

 _Places, where I should belong_

 _It's about time I proved them wrong_

 _So give me a shot_

 _To show what I've got_

 _I'm a hell of a whole lot more_

 _Than this frizzy hair_

 _These frumpy clothes I wear_

 _Though I rock 'em like_

 _Nobody you've seen before_

 _'Cause I am_

 _The coolest girl_

 _In the whole wide world_

 _I know it, below it all_

 _I am_

 _Done with losing_

 _On with choosing_

 _The coolest girl on the face of the planet_

 _The coolest bitch on Earth, goddammit_

 _The coolest chick you've ever seen or heard!_

 _So you can try to bring me down_

 _Sorry guys, I'm sticking around!_

 _I've thought about it, and I've found_

 _That I am_

 _The coooooooolest girl_

 _I'm the coolest girl_

Bonnie Gruesen entered the compartment, looking annoyed. "Hey! That's supposed to be my song!"

Darren gave her an apologetic smile. "Sorry, Bonnie. I couldn't resist."

"I'm not Bonnie," she huffed. "My name's Hermione Granger." Then she did a double-take. "Jiminy Cricket — you're Harry Potter! I'm such a big fan. Say, uh, would you sign my petition? I'm collecting signatures for house elf suffrage."

Darren scrawled his name on her petition, remembering at the last second to write "Harry Potter" rather than "Darren Criss."

Once he and Joey were again alone in the compartment, Darren said, "That girl looked exactly like Bonnie, but I don't think she was kidding when she said she was Hermione."

"I know. It was weird. I figured Lauren was just messing with us, staying in character as Draco. But Bonnie's not even gonna do _A Very Potter Senior Year_ with us, so why would she be playing Hermione now?"

"Maybe this is like what happened with _The Land of Stories_. When Chris and I ended up in the fairytale world, all of the people we met looked exactly like our costars from the Glee cast, but it turned out that they were this crazy mash-up of the Glee characters and the characters Chris had written about in his book."

"So you think that all of the people on this train just _look_ like StarKids, but they're really the characters from _Harry Potter_?"

"Well, maybe not from the actual Harry Potter books. More like the versions from our shows."

"And they think you're really Harry Freakin' Potter, and I'm really Ron?"

"Seems like it."

"Awesome!"

…

Once they'd arrived at Hogwarts and been sorted into their houses — Darren and Joey obviously being put into Gryffindor as Harry and Ron — the new students started to sit down. They were stopped by Professor Snape (looking exactly like Joe Moses) who called out, "Wait! Your sorting isn't done yet. When I call your name, you must step forward to be judged by the Scarf of Sexual Preference."

A slight figure, completely shrouded in black, held up a rainbow scarf with button eyes and a smiling puppet-mouth. As Professor Snape called their names one by one, the scarf wrapped around each student's neck and made its pronouncements in Nick Lang's voice:

Cho Chang — "Straight."

Dean Thomas — "Gay."

Seamus Finnegan — "Going through a phase."

Lavender Brown — "Bisexual."

Cedric Digory — "Metrosexual."

Luna Lovegood — "Pansexual."

Draco Malfoy — "Questioning."

Vincent Crabbe — "Asexual."

Gregory Goyle — "Necrophiliac."

Pansy Parkinson — "Clearly a pansy."

Neville Longbottom — "Obviously a bottom."

Hermione Granger — "Waiting 'til marriage."

Harry Potter — "Colfer-sexual."

Ron Weasley — "Colfer-curious."

Darren gave Joey a long look at that last revelation, and Joey blushed. "Hey — you can't blame a guy for thinking about it…"

Before Darren could respond, Professor Dumbledore (looking and sounding exactly like Dylan Saunders) strode forward, belting out:

 _Welcommmmmmmmmmmmmmme..._

 _All of you to Hogwarts_

 _I welcome all of you to school_

 _Did you know that here at Hogwarts_

 _We've got a hidden swimming pool?_

 _Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts_

 _Welcome, hotties, nerds, and tools_

 _Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts_

 _I'd like to go over just a couple of rules..._

He continued, speaking, "During your time at Hogwarts, your house will be like your family — warring families who all hate each other, and violently compete for this: a cup."

Professor Snape held up a showy gold cup.

"Look at that cup!" Goyle rasped in Jim Povolo's ridiculously deep voice. "I'd feed myself to Aragog's children for that cup!"

Joey delivered Ron's line. "I'd kill for that cup!"

Darren, in his Harry persona, yelled, "That cup is ours, Slytherin. You're gonna die!"

Dumbledore silenced them. "Don't kill each other in the Great Hall. You have to wait to do that in the House Cup Tournament. Here to introduce it is our new professor of the Dark Arts — Professor Quirrel."

Darren and Joey had to struggle not to burst out laughing as Quirrel appeared — looking just like Brian Rosenthal wearing oversized robes and a turban to hide the fact that Joe Walker (aka Lord Voldemort) was pressed up against his back.

Quirrel began to explain, "One champion from each of the four houses will complete a series of dangerous tasks."

Hermione interrupted. "Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after the first semester when one of its students was killed during the first task."

"Yes, it is very dangerous, but the rewards far outweigh the risks."

"I don't think you heard me. I just said somebody _died!_ "

Dumbledore cut her off. "Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth, and quit interrupting. For the cleverest witch of your age, you really can be a dumb-ass sometimes."

Quirrel continued, "Yes, well, it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And, as Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, I believe this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to —"

"Aaaachooo!"

Dumbledore gave Quirrel a funny look. "Did your turban just sneeze?"

"What? No!"

"I could have sworn I heard a sneeze coming from your direction, but your mouth wasn't moving."

"That was simply a fart. Excuse me. I must be going." Quirrel hurried away as well as he could, which wasn't particularly quickly, since there was another body attached to his back. Sneezing sounds could still be heard coming from the back of his head.

Choosing to ignore this, Dumbledore announced, "In accordance with the newly resurrected House Cup, a champion from each house will be selected to compete. So, Snape, will you do us the honors please?

"Yes, headmaster," Snape said, bringing out the Goblet of Fire from which to draw the names of the chosen students. "First, from the Ravenclaw house, Cho Chang!"

"Oh my gosh, I've won, I can't believe I won!" Cho gushed.

"Next, from Hufflepuff, Cedric Digory."

"Well, I don't find this surprising at all," Cedric said, with a smarmy smile.

"Next, from the Slytherin house, Draco Malfoy."

"OH! I've finally beaten you, haven't I, Potter?" Draco gloated. "What do you think of that, huh? I'm the champion this time!"

"Draco, would you sit down, you little shit," Dumbledore snapped. "Champion's just a title!"

"And finally, from the Gryffindor house… Oh my, well isn't this curious?" Snape said with an oily voice. "The only person in all of Hogwarts whom I have a well-known grudge against is now in a tournament where he may lose his life… It's Harry Potter."

Amidst all of the cheers and congratulations, Darren felt a small frisson of fear. Just how real was this world he and Joey had landed in?

 **End Notes:** What do you think is going to happen, now that Darren and Joey are at Hogwarts? I'd love to hear your ideas. **:)**


	15. What I'm Looking For

**15\. What I'm Looking For**

 _In which there is a quest for the Holy Grail — and the Unholy Goose…_

While Darren and Joey were meeting up with the stone lion and traveling to Hogwarts, Chris was having his own adventures in Camelot.

The revelry in celebration of the lusty month of May continued in the form of a faire the following day. Chris wandered through the festivities, searching in vain for his friends. Eventually he joined a throng of people gathered around a large grassy staging area, with a raised platform directly across from where he was standing.

Two heralds stepped out in front of the platform and blew into long bronze horns. The crowd quieted. A third herald mounted the platform and announced in a ringing voice: "Hear ye, hear ye! His Majesty, King Arthur, welcomes you to his royal faire."

A tapestry (which Chris had assumed was simply a backdrop for the platform) suddenly fell, revealing King Arthur himself sitting upon a golden throne. Everyone in the crowd bowed low, and Chris did the same.

"Arise," the king commanded. Once he had been obeyed, he continued, "I have a challenge to set before my knights — a tournament to determine who is the most worthy to embark on a quest for the Holy Grail. Let the jousting begin!"

The heralds blew their horns again, and a long line of knights came galloping out on sturdy warhorses. They circled the field three times before splitting into two groups on opposite ends of the staging area.

At a signal from the heralds, the first two knights charged towards each other, lances in their right hands and shields in their left. They came together with a resounding clash, as one knight knocked the other to the ground. The crowd cheered the winner as he galloped a victory lap around the perimeter of the field before coming to a halt in front of King Arthur's platform.

Chris watched with rapt attention as the spectacle was repeated over and over. Once all of the knights had completed their first jousts, the winners were divided into two new groups for the next round. As the day wore on, more and more competitors were eliminated, until only two knights remained.

A hush fell over the crowd as the knights began their final charge. Chris figured they must both be exhausted from their previous battles, since neither one seemed to be able to hold his lance straight in front of him. In fact, as they reached each other, both knights allowed their weapons to swing out to the sides, catching each other at chest height. There was a collective gasp from the onlookers as the knights grabbed onto each other's lances and allowed themselves to be lifted up and spun 180 degrees to land on each other's horses and gallop away.

After a moment of stunned silence, a roaring cheer went up from the crowd. The knights galloped in opposite directions around the field and then reined their horses to a stop in front of the royal platform.

King Arthur rose from his throne. "For the first time in history, my tournament has two champions. Pray, reveal yourselves."

The knights pulled off their helmets. They bowed their heads to King Arthur, and then wheeled their horses around to face the crowd. Chris was shocked to see Kurt and Blaine.

…

It was evening before Chris was able to meet up with his friends — who'd now been dubbed Sir Kurt and Sir Blaine by King Arthur — to discuss their plans. In addition to their quest for the Holy Grail, they had been set another task by the king.

"He told us that his royal advisor, Merlin, has gone missing," Blaine explained. "Apparently, he was last seen in the company of Mother Goose."

"I've been looking for her all day," Chris said. "I checked every place where alcohol is served, but there was no sign of her."

"Well, the king is very anxious to get Merlin back," Kurt said. "And unless we want to stay here forever, we've got to find Mother Goose. She's got the potion and the book that will take us home."

"Did King Arthur give you any clues about where we should start looking?"

"One of his servants overheard Merlin talking to Mother Goose about the Holy Grail. He thought they might have gone in search of it."

"Then it sounds like we can kill two birds with one stone."

"So to speak…"

…

The quest for the Holy Grail — and the Unholy Goose, as the trio had taken to calling her — began the following morning. Kurt and Blaine sat astride the spirited stallions they had ridden in the jousting tournament, while Chris mounted a docile gray gelding borrowed from King Arthur's stables. The three set off in the direction a witness believed he'd seen Mother Goose and Merlin heading.

Kurt was a skilled tracker, having spent most of his life in the Dwarf Forests, so Chris and Blaine let him lead the way. Through woods and fields, across streams and rivers, over hills and mountains, they rode onward. Every so often, Kurt asked Chris to wait behind while he and Blaine went off on a "scouting mission." The rumpled state of their clothing, and the satisfied looks on their faces each time they returned, gave Chris a pretty good idea of exactly what sort of territory they'd been exploring.

When they finally made camp that night, Chris laid out his bedroll at some distance from the other two. By the light of the moon, he gazed into his magic mirror, waiting for Darren's face to appear. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw his boyfriend.

"Hi, sweetie. I was starting to get worried. I've been trying to reach you on and off all day."

"Yeah, me too. I guess we kept missing each other. Too bad these mirrors don't have a ringtone or a vibrate mode. If we don't happen to be looking at them at the exact same time, we're out of luck."

"So what have you been up to? Did you and Joey find the stone lion?"

"Yes! And you'll never in a million years guess who he turned out to be."

"Who?"

"Rumbleroar!"

Chris listened in amazement (and envy) as Darren described his journey to Hogwarts, and all that had happened since he and Joey arrived.

"You'll never guess the label Scarfy gave me — you're gonna love it."

"Hmmm…" Chris thought for a moment. He knew the Scarf of Sexual Preference had labeled Harry 'metrosexual' in _A Very Potter Sequel_ , but he figured things must have changed now that Darren actually _was_ Harry instead of just playing him. "I don't know. Queer as a three-dollar-bill?"

Darren laughed. "That's a good one, but nope. Apparently I'm 'Colfer-sexual.' Which is true, of course. But unfortunately, for the time being, it's more in theory than in practice. This 'stuck in separate dimensions' thing is putting a bit of a damper on my sex life."

"You and me both. I love Kurt and Blaine, but it's been kind of awkward traveling together now that it's just the three of us. They keep disappearing to have 'private time.' I know they're newlyweds and everything, but it's a little hard to be around when you're so far away."

"So, Kurt and Blaine are making good use of the land of Came-alot, huh?"

"Oh my god. Are you seriously quoting _Struck by Lightning_?"

"Hey, that was a brilliant movie. I can't wait until it's out in theaters. It's gonna be huge."

"I hope so. And even more, I hope I'm there to see it."

"You will be. We _both_ will be."

"How are you able to stay so positive all the time?"

"I guess it's just one of my many charms. And come on, how could I _not_ be feeling positive right now? I'm at _Hogwarts!_ And the people here actually believe that I'm _Harry Freakin' Potter_. It's totally awesome."

"Yeah, it is. I just wish I was there with you. Or that you were here with me. I've been having all of these amazing adventures — enough to fill up a whole series of kids' books — but it's not the same without you."

"I know, babe. I feel the same way."

Chris began to sing:

 _I_ _have climbed highest mountains_

 _I have run through the fields_

 _Only to be with you_

 _Only to be with you_

Darren took the next verse:

 _I have run, I have crawled_

 _I have scaled these castle walls_

 _These castle walls_

 _Only to be with you_

Their voices blended in perfect harmony on the chorus:

 _But I still haven't found_

 _What I'm looking for_

 _But I still haven't found_

 _What I'm looking for_

They poured out all of their mutual longing as they sang:

 _But I still haven't found_

 _What I'm looking for_

 _But I still haven't found_

 _What I'm looking for_

 **End Notes:** Did you guess who would win the jousting tournament? What do you think of Sir Kurt and Sir Blaine?


	16. Remember That Time?

**16\. Remember That Time?**

 _In which Chris and Darren are experiencing realities that are as different as can be…_

Chris still hadn't found what he was ultimately looking for — one Darren Everett Criss — but he and Kurt and Blaine were successful in fulfilling the quest King Arthur had set before them. They tracked Mother Goose and Merlin to a hidden clearing, where they found the pair sitting on a stump with their arms around each other, laughing uproariously.

As soon as Mother Goose caught sight of them, she leapt to her feet in greeting. "Oh, there you are!" she cried, throwing her arms wide and sloshing a dark liquid out of the silver chalice she was holding. "I knew you couldn't be far. Look! We've found the Holy Grail. It's the perfect cup for drinking my ale."

Chris didn't know whether to be amused or horrified — a predicament he found himself in quite frequently when it came to Mother Goose. He decided not to comment on her desecration of a holy relic, and instead focused on his primary objective. "Do you still have the potion and the book of fairy tales?"

She patted her satchel. "I have them right here, with my wine and my beer."

Blaine stepped forward. "Kurt and I have had a better honeymoon than we could have possibly imagined. But I think it's time that we all headed home."

Merlin frowned. "You want April to leave so soon? We were just getting to know each other. Maybe I should come with you."

"King Arthur has been worried about you, Merlin," Kurt said. "And I'm sure he'll be thrilled to see the Holy Grail. You need to bring it to him."

"You're right, of course," Merlin acknowledged. Then turning to Mother Goose, he asked, "May I kiss you goodbye?"

"One last smooch, and one last swig of hooch," she agreed, giving Merlin a resounding kiss before tossing back the rest of the ale and then handing him the chalice.

As Merlin looked on, Mother Goose removed _A Treasury of Fairy Tales_ from her bag and opened it to the final page. She allowed a drop of the potion to fall on the words "And they lived happily ever after." Chris stepped eagerly into the beam of light that emerged. He was more than ready to return to the Land of Stories, and he hoped with all his heart that he'd soon be experiencing his own happily — or gleefully — ever after.

…

Meanwhile, Darren and Joey were settling into their roles as Harry and Ron at Hogwarts. They'd quickly given up their attempts at figuring out which story they were in, since _A Very Potter Musical_ and _A Very Potter Sequel_ had each borrowed from several different books, and they'd already experienced scenes from both of those plays. Fortunately, both Darren and Joey were skilled at improv, so they were happy to just go with the flow.

They'd also come to accept that while the people around them might look and sound just like their friends from StarKid, for all intents and purposes they really were their characters. Nowhere was this more amusing than in the case of Joe Walker, whose body was now performing double duty as both Lord Voldemort and Professor Umbridge.

Darren and Joey found themselves giggling like the schoolchildren they supposedly were as they spied on Quirrel and Voldemort singing their duet of "Different as Can Be."

 _You won't sleep on your tummy_ Quirrel complained.

 _You won't sleep on your back_ Voldemort retorted.

Together they sang:

 _We're quite a kooky couple you'll agree_

 _We share some hands and fingers_

 _And yet the feeling lingers_

 _We're just about as different as anyone could be_

They continued, alternating lines:

 _You like plotting a garden, and I like plotting to kill_

 _You think that you should rule the world, I think books are a thrill!_

 _Sipping tea by the fire's swell_

 _Pushing people in is fun as well_

 _I like folding all my ties_

 _And you have no friends, hey that's a surprise_

They joined together for the chorus:

 _I guess it's plain to see_

 _When you look at you and me_

 _We're different_

 _Different as can be_

They went back to trading insults:

 _You're a sissy, a twat a girl! I'm the darkest of lords!_

 _I'm the brightest professor here, I've won several awards_

 _My new world is about to unfold_

 _You got beat by a two year_

 _I'll kill him this time through and through_

 _Or you might just give him another tattoo_

Then back to the chorus:

 _You really must agree_

 _When you look at you and me_

 _We're different_

 _Different as can —_

Voldemort started the bridge:

 _I'll rise again and I'll rule the world_

 _But you must help me renew_

 _For when our plan succeeds_

( _Prevails!_ Quirrel chimed in)

 _Part of that world goes to you_

Quirrel sweetly sang:

 _When I rule the world I'll plant flowers_

While Voldemort rasped:

 _When I rule the world I'll have snakes_

( _And Jane Austin novels_ Quirrel suggested)

 _And goblins, and werewolves, and giants, and thestrals,_

 _A fleet of dementors, and all my Death Eaters!_

They ended together:

 _When I rule the world! Hahahaha!_

"They do say that opposites attract," Joey whispered, nudging Darren.

"You know I've always shipped them."

"Yep - Quirrelmort, all the way! And Brian and Joe make a lovely couple, don't they?"

"Yeah. Although I find Joe a little creepy in the Voldy makeup. I liked him better as Umbridge."

"True. And he showed some nice leg in that pink dress…"

Darren and Joey soon had the opportunity to see the dress — and the legs — in question. They came upon Umbridge and Dumbledore having a spat.

"Dumbledore," Umbridge demanded, in Joe Walker's sassiest style, "did you get my texts?"

"Yes, I got your texts — I got all 900 of them! You've been clogging my inbox for long enough!"

"Well, you didn't text me back."

"Umbridge, I've tried to be nice. But it's time for you to leave and never come back."

"Dumbledore, this is just our first fight."

"And it'll be our last."

"Oh my god, Dumbledore, why you being such a lousy boyfriend?"

"Don't you get it, you crazy bitch? I'm gay!"

Umbridge bellowed " **NO!** " in a voice that echoed throughout the castle. Then she burst into a furious song:

 _Remember that time_

 _When you wouldn't talk to me?_

 _No you wouldn't talk to me_

 _Yesterday_

 _We were gettin' along_

 _We had a little dance-y thing_

 _Well here's a song I sing_

 _My way_

 _We were gonna be fine_

 _But you didn't wanna be_

 _Be the man who'd be with me_

 _No way_

 _But now you sayin' it's time_

 _Why you gotta be like that?_

 _I don't like the way you act_

 _Around me_

 _So baby come on, come on..._

 _Well don't you tell me to go_

 _Say I'm the one_

 _D-d-do you think I'm dumb?_

 _Sorry — did I just stutter?_

 _Won't tell you what you know_

 _But this is the end_

 _You were never my friend_

 _You were never my —_

 _You were never my lover!_

 _Remember that night_

 _When I saw you tremblin' there?_

 _I remembered I don't care_

 _About you_

 _I'm rememberin' how_

 _You thought you were at the top_

 _Well I think we're better off_

 _Without you!_

 _And I got your number_

 _And I don't mean on my phone_

 _Would've already just thrown it out_

 _If I'd known about_

 _The way you'd bitch and moan_

 _You remember the way_

 _How you were way outta line?_

 _Well now you're way outta time_

 _So tell me what you want on your tombstone!_

 _Come on, come on..._

 _Well don't you tell me to go_

 _Say I'm the one_

 _D-d-do you think I'm dumb?_

 _Sorry — did I just stutter?_

 _Won't tell you what you know_

 _But this is the end_

 _You were never my friend_

 _You were never my —_

 _You were never my lover!_

 _It's too bad you a loser_

 _Too bad you waste my time_

 _Good thing that I'm around_

 _To keep your ass in line!_

 _... You were never my —_

 _You were never my lover!_

Before Dumbledore could respond, Umbridge caught sight of Darren and Joey lurking in the shadows. She came bounding over.

"Oh my god — everybody look — it's Harry Freakin' Potter! Oh my god — he's so dreamy — and he's so rich and famous! Mister Potter! Mister Potter! Will you sign my boob?"

Joey winked at Darren and handed him a Sharpie. Grinning, Darren took the black permanent marker and, with a flourish, scrawled **_Harry Freakin' Potter_** across Joe Walker's chest.

 **End Notes:** Please review. :)


	17. Slaying the Dragon

**17\. Slaying the Dragon**

 _In which the guitar is mightier than the sword…_

"Should I be jealous?" Chris teased.

Darren grinned back at him in the mirror. "Nope. I just signed an assumed name on Joe's chest with a Sharpie. As soon as I get the chance, I'm gonna sign my real name on _your_ body in hickeys."

"You most certainly will not!"

"We'll see… Once I get my mouth on you, I think I can be pretty persuasive."

Chris could feel his face heating. He suspected that Darren was right. Deciding to change the subject, he asked, "So, have you learned anything useful? Any spell that will bring us back together?"

"Not yet. I don't seem to be able to do any magic, but that's not particularly surprising, since Harry wasn't much of a wizard in our musicals. I'm sure that something's gonna turn up, though. Rumbleroar wouldn't steer me wrong."

"Oh, 'cause talking lions never lie, huh?"

"Not this one. He seemed really sincere."

"Compared to all of the other stone lions you've talked to?"

"You can be as snarky as you want, but I have faith."

"I'm trying to, but it's hard. Being back here, with Kurt and Blaine — they've been pardoned, by the way, in reward for their roles in helping to defeat the Enchantress — and Froggy and Red and Unique, it's almost like being back on the flying ship, just without a curse hanging over us, and it would be so perfect, if only you were here."

"I know, babe. This should be perfect, too. I'm in actual fucking Gryffindor House, where I've dreamed of being since I was a kid. But _a house is not a home when there's no one there to hold you tight,_ _a_ _nd no one there you can kiss goodnight."_

Chris felt a lump rise in his throat as Darren sang the familiar lines. He forced himself to lighten the mood. "I'm sure Joey will kiss you goodnight if you ask nicely."

"Yeah, but not with tongue."

"Good. Otherwise I'd have to come to Hogwarts and kick his ass."

…

Darren had almost forgotten about the House Cup Tournament, but the next day he and the other champions were summoned to compete. Dumbledore gathered them all together and gave them his version of a pep talk:

"Are you kids ready to fight a dragon? Of course not, you're just children. What the hell am I thinking? But outside of this tent are thousands upon thousands of screaming fans. They're either gonna be cheering for you, or the dragon, but either way they're gonna be making some kind of noise."

The champions shot each other worried glances.

Dumbledore continued, "So, in order for the selection process to be fair, I am randomly going to select a cardboard cutout size version of the dragon you will be facing. Cedric, for you, Puff, the Magic Dragon. Cho, Figment, the Imaginary Dragon. Draco, the Reluctant Dragon."

He handed each of them a cute, cartoon cutout of a dragon. Then, turning to Darren, he announced, "And for you, Potter, the Hungarian Horntail — the most terrifying thing you've ever seen in your whole life!"

Even though he'd known what to expect, Darren couldn't help recoiling from the ferocious image on his cardboard cutout. As first Cedric and then Cho left to fight their dragons, Darren tried unsuccessfully to convince Draco to trade with him. But finally, inevitably, he had to face the Hungarian Horntail.

Darren was impressed, as always, with Nick Lang's puppet-making skills. As the enormous dragon — controlled by several StarKids — came rushing toward him, he cried out, "Accio guitar!"

Joey sprang forward and handed him a guitar, and Darren began to strum and sing:

 _Hey dragon_

 _You don't gotta do this_

 _Let's reevaluate our options_

 _Throw away our old presumptions_

 _'Cause really you don't gotta go through this_

The dragon blinked his eyes and swayed his huge head in time with the music.

 _I'm really not that special_

 _The boy who lived is only flesh and bone_

 _The truth is in the end_

 _I'm pretty useless without friends_

 _In fact I'm alone_

At this, the dragon closed his eyes and bowed his head in apparent sympathy.

 _I spend my time at school_

 _Trying to be this cool guy_

 _I never even asked for_

 _I don't know any spells_

 _Still manage to do well_

 _But there's only so long that can last for_

 _I'm living off the glory_

 _Of a stupid children's story_

 _That I had nothing to do with_

 _Just sat there and got lucky_

 _So level with me buddy_

 _I can't defeat thee_

 _So please don't eat me_

 _All I can do_

 _Is sing a song for you_

 _La la la la laaa_

 _Rah rah rah rah rahhhh_ the dragon sang back.

 _La la la la laaa_

 _Rah rah rah rah rahhhh_

 _La la la la la la laaa_

 _Rah rah rah rah rahhhh_

 _You never asked to be a dragon_

 _I never asked to be a champion_

 _We both just jumped on this bandwagon_

 _But all we need is guitar jamming_

 _La la la la laaa_

 _Rah rah rah rah rahhhh_ the dragon replied sleepily.

 _La la la la la la la laaaa_

 _Good night dragon_

Soothed by the lullaby, the dragon sank to the floor, fast asleep. Darren tiptoed over and pinned down the massive puppet's head. "1, 2, 3! I BEAT THE DRAGON!" he crowed.

…

 **End Notes:** If you haven't yet read my new Klaine one-shot, _Falling_ , go check it out. And, as always, please review. **:)**


	18. Heart's Desire

**18\. Heart's Desire**

 _In which Darren is pining, like a thing that pines frequently and desperately…_

Darren had been at Hogwarts for over a week before he stumbled across the Mirror of Erised. He wasn't at all surprised that the image it showed him perfectly matched the one he saw every time he looked into his own magic mirror: Chris's smiling face. Darren's answering grin was automatic, but tinged with bittersweet longing. Seeing his boyfriend was wonderful, but would it always be through glass?

Darren's optimism, which had once seemed so unquenchable, was beginning to erode. As day followed day, with Chris still trapped in the Gleeful Land of Stories, and Darren and Joey still stuck in the musical version of Hogwarts, what had once felt like a magical adventure was rapidly losing its sparkle. Darren was pining.

Joey, in an attempt to cheer him up, suggested that Darren should pull out his guitar and sing some of his favorite songs. As luck — or misfortune — would have it, Ginny happened upon them just as Darren got ready to play.

"Hey, Ginny, c'mere. I wanna show you something. C'mere."

Ginny — wearing her heart on her sleeve — blushed as she approached. "Hey, Harry Potter."

"Listen, I wanna play you this song that I'm working on. I met someone who I really, really like, who's really special. So, I just wanna know what you think. Just for the purposes of now, 'cause I'm still working out the lyrics, I'll put your name in it, but I don't think it's really gonna work out. Well, let me just give it a shot."

Ginny was glowing with pleasure as Darren began to sing:

 _You're tall and fun and pretty_

 _You're really, really skinny_

 _Ginny_

 _I'm the Mickey to your Minnie_

 _You're the Tigger to my Winnie_

 _Ginny_

 _Gonna take you to the city_

 _Wanna take you out to dinney_

 _Ginny_

 _You're cuter than a guinea pig_

 _Wanna take you up to Winnipeg_

 _That's in Canada!_

 _Ginny Ginny Ginny —_

With a shake of the head, Darren cut himself off mid-song. "You know what, this doesn't work with your name at all. It doesn't work. But, I don't know, how does that make you feel, emotionally?"

"Wow! Wowie, Harry Potter!"

"Don't you think it could — I don't know — make somebody fall in love with me?"

"Oh, I think it already has."

"Awesome! 'Cause it's for my boyfriend, Chris. He's super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot! He's the hottest guy I've ever met. He's far more attractive, far more appealing, far more interesting than anyone I know."

As Ginny tried to hide her disappointment, Darren launched into another version of his song:

 _You're tall and fun and pretty_

 _You're really, really skinny_

 _Chris_

 _I'm the Mickey to your Minnie_

 _You're the Tigger to my Winnie_

 _Chris_

 _Gonna take you to the city_

 _Wanna take you out to dinney_

 _Chris_

 _You're cuter than a guinea pig_

 _Wanna take you up to Winnipeg_

 _That's in Canada!_

 _Chris Chris Chris…_

Darren and Chris had a good laugh over the story that evening, but it didn't alleviate the pining. Or the yearning. Or the increasing sense of desperation to find a way back together.

Darren broke into another song, this one without a trace of humor:

 _I can't win, I can't reign_

 _I will never win this game_

 _Without you, without you_

 _I am lost, I am vain,_

 _I will never be the same_

 _Without you, without you_

 _I won't run, I won't fly_

 _I will never make it by_

 _Without you, without you_

 _I can't rest, I can't fight_

 _All I need is you and I,_

 _Without you, without you_

 _Oh oh oh!_

 _You! You! You!_

 _Without_

 _You! You! You!_

 _Without you_

 _I can't erase, so I'll take blame_

 _But I can't accept that we're estranged_

 _Without you, without you_

 _I can't quit now, this can't be right_

 _I can't take one more sleepless night_

 _Without you, without you_

 _I won't soar, I won't climb_

 _If you're not here, I'm paralyzed_

 _Without you, without you_

 _I can't look, I'm so blind_

 _I lost my heart, I lost my mind_

 _Without you, without you_

 _Oh oh oh!_

 _You! You! You!_

 _Without_

 _You! You! You!_

 _Without you_

 _I am lost, I am vain,_

 _I will never be the same_

 _Without you, without you_

 _Without you_

There was no sense trying to deny it. Darren had it bad.

…

Joey's next attempt to cheer Darren up took the form of a proposed trip to Hogsmeade. "C'mon — it'll be fun. We can gorge ourselves into pre-diabetic comas at Honeydukes, get drunk off our asses on butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks, and then, once we're too wasted to know better, go visit the Shrieking Shack. Wha'd'ya say?"

Darren found it difficult to muster up his customary enthusiasm, but he did agree to go. As he and Joey approached the castle doors, they were met by Professor Snape.

"Attention, all Hogwarts students. In celebration of All Hallows Eve, we will be taking a field trip to Hogsmeade."

"How can it be Halloween already?" Darren muttered to Joey.

"The timeline's been royally fucked since we got here. We've been in and out of all seven books and both of our shows. Just go with it."

Snape continued, in an oily voice, "Please gather in the courtyard with your signed Hogsmeade permission forms. Students without their permission forms will be killed." He paused dramatically, then amended, "No, but they won't be allowed to go, and it's going to be a whole lot of fun."

"Damn," Darren said. "I forgot that Harry doesn't have a permission form. You'll have to go without me."

"Hey! Ron may be a dick of a friend, but I'm not. If you're not going, neither am I."

As they turned away from the courtyard, dejected, they ran into Professor Lupin.

"Hey, Harry. Ron. You wanna go to Hogsmeade? Feast your eyes on this — the Marauders' Map. It shows the current location of everyone inside Hogwarts, and also has all of the secret passages out of the castle. Here, take it."

"Thanks!"

"Just stay out of the Shrieking Shack, okay? I'm a werewolf in there."

While Lupin ran off to do werewolfy things, Darren and Joey looked in fascination at the Marauders' Map.

"This is so much more detailed than the one we used as a prop," Joey marveled.

"Yeah. It's the first thing we've seen since we've been here that might actually be magic," Darren agreed, pointing out the tiny moving dots on the parchment. Each dot was labeled with the name of a character created by J. K. Rowling, except for two. They read "Darren Criss" and "Joey Richter."

"Cool! So maybe it really will show us a way into Hogsmeade."

They perused the map, pointing out interesting features to each other.

"Look — Voldy and Quirrel are in bed together!"

"Here's a tunnel that leads to Honeydukes."

"And one to the Shrieking Shack."

"Oh my god!" Darren cried, nearly ripping the map as he grabbed it away from Joey. "There's a secret passage here that leads to _The Land of Stories!_ "

 **End Notes:** Guess what I see when I look in the Mirror of Erised? Happy readers, writing reviews of my stories. :)


	19. Homecoming

**19\. Homecoming**

 _In which home is where the heart is…_

The birds were singing, the sky was blue, and Darren and Chris were in each other's arms. In other words, all was right with the world. And as far as Darren was concerned, it didn't matter one bit which world that was. As long as he and Chris were together, he was home.

Pulling back from their tight embrace just far enough to gaze into Chris's eyes, Darren began to sing:

 _Home,_

 _I've heard the word before,_

 _But it's never meant much more_

 _Than just a thing I've never had_

 _A place,_

 _They say, "Hey, know your place"_

 _But I've never had a place to even know,_

 _Or a face that I could go to_

 _If I needed someone there..._

Darren let out a heartfelt sigh. His eyes welled up with joyful tears as he continued:

 _You're laughing_

 _It's hard to hide a smile_

 _My god, it's been a while_

 _Since I have had a reason to_

 _And to think_

 _It's been here all along_

 _Somewhere to belong,_

 _And a reason,_

 _A something to believe in_

 _I've finally found it,_

 _A place where I'm wanted..._

 _This must be how it feels_

 _To have a home_

 _I used to dream about it_

 _But never schemed or counted_

 _On fantasies or wishes -_

 _It breaks a man to see what he misses_

 _And so many nights I'd pray_

 _For a better life, and a better day_

 _But I never thought that it'd come true_

 _It's finally here and I don't know what to do_

 _And I'm trying not to cry_

 _This must be how it feels_

 _To have a home_

 _I've finally made it_

 _I've hoped and I've waited_

 _And for the first time in my life_

 _I don't feel so alone_

 _My heart starts to heal_

 _To know that it's real_

 _This is how it must feel_

 _To have a home_

Chris placed his hands on Darren's precious, scruffy cheeks and kissed him. It started off gentle — a soft, welcoming brush of lips. Slowly it deepened, as Chris and Darren each poured their feelings into the kiss.

Then, as Chris pulled Darren's full lower lip between his teeth and bit down lightly, the mood shifted from warm and affectionate to hot and desperate. Darren gasped, clutching Chris tightly. Soon hands were wandering freely as they panted into each other's mouths.

It was a long time before either one became aware of their surroundings.

…

That evening, sitting around the dining table with Chris, Kurt, Blaine, Froggy, Red, and Joey, Darren asked, "So, now that it looks like we're in the Land of Stories for good, what's the plan?"

"You're welcome to stay here as long as you want," Blaine offered. "There's plenty of space, especially since Froggy and Red are moving back to the castle."

"I thought Chris said that Sugar had taken over."

"Oh, Little Sugar Peep has lost her mind, and doesn't know where to find it," Rachel giggled.

"She decided that being Queen was boring," Froggy explained. "So she's abdicating the throne and creating a troupe of wandering minstrels called The Troubletones."

"With that tone-deaf wanna-be leading them, they'll be lucky if they survive their first performance," Rachel gloated. "But the good news is, I'm getting back my castle and my crown!"

"Congratulations," Darren told her. Then, turning back to Kurt and Blaine, he asked, "But even with the extra space, are you sure we wouldn't be imposing? I mean, you are still newlyweds, and I can imagine you might want your privacy. Plus, this is the first time since you've been together that you're not on the run from the law, or trying to stop a curse, or wandering through other dimensions. Don't you want a chance to settle down, just the two of you?"

Kurt and Blaine exchanged meaningful looks. "Settling down is overrated," Blaine said.

"I've been on the run for so long, I get restless if I stay in one place," Kurt admitted. "So, we're already planning a dazzling crime that will let us resume our lives as outlaws."

"And, whenever we want a break from being wanted fugitives, we can go back to visiting other worlds. Mother Goose has run off to live with the Elf Empress, and they sent us several bottles of the potion as a belated wedding gift."

"Blaine has an extensive collection of books, so we've got our pick of destinations for a second honeymoon."

"And a third, and a fourth, and a fiftieth," Blaine said, squeezing Kurt's hand and gazing at him with heart-eyes.

Joey, who'd been silently taking all this in, suddenly piped up. "Hey, do you think that potion would work on a newspaper?"

He pulled out a copy of the London Times. Darren leapt up and kissed him.

"You're a genius, man! That's dated the day we left, so it'll take us to the right place _and_ the right time!"

"And all we'll need to do to come back here is use the potion on my book," Chris exclaimed. "So long as we always bring a newspaper with us, we can travel between the worlds whenever we want."

"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's try it out! C'mon — who's up for a field trip?"

They all looked on with bated breath as Kurt allowed a single drop of the potion to fall on the newspaper. There was a collective _whoop_ of joy when the familiar beam of light appeared.

With fingers entwined, Chris and Darren stepped into the swirling vortex of words. As modern-day London coalesced around them, they gripped each other's hands even more tightly.

"Welcome home, Dare."

"Welcome home."

…

And that's how Chris and Darren became The Boys Who Lived: _Gleefully Ever After._

 ** _The End_**

 **End Notes:** Thank you so much for reading. If you've enjoyed this gleeful trilogy, please take a moment to let me know. :D

If you want to hear my favorite version of the song Darren sings in this chapter, go to youtube and search for "LC StarKid To Have a Home Darren Criss."


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